I believe in doing what’s best for my family and my country, so I’ve listened to appeals to moderate my invective against the millions of Americans who voted for Donald J. Trump.
The arguments are compelling. According to a news analysis in the left-leaning New York Times, shrillness from liberals like me is not politically expedient because it further entrenches Trump’s right-wing base, and may even force fence-sitting conservatives closer to the president.
For the good of the country, the argument goes, both sides should listen to the other and reach common ground. In other words, I have to understand that Gomer down the street wouldn’t really burn a cross in some black dude’s front yard, despite the fact that he voted right along with people who undoubtedly would. And since we’re now driving along that two-way street called Kumbaya, for his part, Gomer will have to acknowledge that stealing the Hillary sign out of my front yard was an assault on my right of free expression, and he’s going to have to stop calling me a “snowflake libtard” because I voted for a qualified woman for president, and because I’m not the kind of guy who would get his hands dirty changing the oil on his own Subaru.
So you see, right off the bat the argument breaks down — I still think that since Gomer voted for a racist, that makes him a racist, too, and I’ll guarandamntee you I’m not about to start changing my own oil anytime soon.
You know, Michelle Obama was a great first lady, maybe the best ever, but I disagree with her on one point: Right after she said, “When they go low, we go high,” I thought to myself, “Beautiful words, but that shit won’t fly.”
See, I learned something in grade school about the beginnings of America. They taught us that when the redcoats came marching in file down the high road, savvy Colonialist hicks took to hiding behind trees and bushes, then just picked off the redcoats like ducks in a row. Fighting from cover seems obvious today, but back then it was a game-changer. Our forefathers didn’t play by the rules, they cheated, took the low road, and that’s one big reason why we even have a country today.
And now, several generations later, the principle remains the same, except now it’s us, the snowflakes, who are the symbolic redcoats, and it’s the progeny of those same illiterate pudknockers who are still hiding in the weeds, picking us off as we march along our high, high road. And to make matters worse, with bullets whizzing around our ears, somebody in the back of the line is yelling, “Maybe we should just try to understand them!”
- What I understand is there’s a whole bunch of people out there who never read one word from a legitimate news source before voting for Trump.
- What I understand is that these people watched the whole campaign unfold on television, heard the same shit coming out of Trump’s mouth that I heard, yet voted for him anyway.
- What I understand is that the Typical Trumper cares only about what happens to folks like them — namely white, Christian and uninformed — and to hell with everybody else with a different belief system or a skin tone darker than their own.
Of course there are a whole bunch of reasons why liberals like me despise Donald Trump, but let’s keep it simple. Here are the Big 3 that steam my clams:
Racism: Now I know that you Trumpers don’t like being called racist because you had “legitimate other concerns.” But when you went ahead and voted for a guy who was spouting all that racist crap like lava from a volcano, it makes me think that at best you have a passing familiarity with the R-word. It’s tough, but folks are saying that for the good of the country, I now have to meet y’all in the middle, so I wonder what “kinda racist” is going to look like in our new middle-of-the-road United States of America:
Yep, maybe if you guys ease up on your Deportation Crusade, us liberals will agree to reinstate some of your rules from the good old days, like colored folks riding in the back of the bus, refusing service to Mexicans, that kinda shit. God I love a compromise!
Misogyny: That’s a funny-looking word — a hard word — and I’ll be honest with you, even a libtard like me has trouble spelling it sometimes. What it means is treatin’ yer womenfolk diffurnt from the menfolk, and not in any kind of good way. Be thankful, then, that your president has made things easier on us with the revelation that in addition to being a misogynist, he’s also a common sexual predator. That’s good news because I reckon most of us can spell it without too much trouble. And the real kicker is that all the information about your president thinking it’s okay to “grab ‘em by the pussy” was out there before the election, but darned if you good Christians didn’t go ahead and vote for him anyway! And what that means, of course, is that at best, you’re kinda okay with sexual assault — as long as it’s hetero — and if it doesn’t involve anybody you care about. But this is the New America where we’re encouraged to seek a middle ground, so you’re gonna have to give a little, just like us liberals are gonna have to give a little. Maybe we can reach a compromise on what’s acceptable and what ain’t when it comes to misogyny and sexual assault, and maybe it’ll look something like this:
See there, relax, Cletus, on account of we’re passing a law that says nobody can grab your wife by the pussy (except for you and maybe the president hisself) but the flip side is that if some stranger wants to grope your 13-year-old daughter’s breasts, well, you’re gonna have to let him because you elected a sexual predator, after all, and this compromise was the best us liberals could do.
Environment: You’re right, it snowed in Wisconsin last December and you had to wear a coat, which proves that climate change is a big damned liberal hoax! All scientists are liberals, of course, and their findings are reported by the liberal media, and nobody believes that pack of liars, am I right? Now I know all you Trumpers can undoubtedly “skin a buck and run a trotline,” but I don’t think even a country boy can survive after your Republican Party, with an assist from Mister Peabody’s Coal Train, turns this whole goldarned planet into a smoking cinder! But for the good of the nation and peace in our families, we’ve got to come to an agreement, and here’s my opening offer. Let’s negotiate:
Yes, in the spirit of compromise, we’ll divide up all the national parks. For example, y’all can have Yosemite and y’all can cut all the timber, strip mine it, dam up the river, frack the hell out of it, but you’re gonna have to keep your dirty mitts off of Yellowstone. A deal’s a deal, and Yellowstone is ours!
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Of course the more astute among you will have recognized that this entire exercise is one big farce. As thinking, reasoning human beings, we all love the sound of words like “take the high road,” “compromise” and “middle ground,” but I no longer believe they are right for our time. When it comes to the fundamental values of our nation, there can be no compromise.
We liberals must step off our high road and stop taking bullets to the chest fired by a Republican Congress that flagrantly changed the rules when it blocked President Obama’s initiatives at every turn. We must remove our blinders and start seeing Trump supporters as dangerous enemies of democracy, not simple rustics that are blindingly ignorant, yet mostly benign.
Make no mistake about it, our country is at war, and it’s time to pick a side.
With respect to Michelle, we must take a lesson from the redcoats — step off the high road and into the weeds, because it’s time to fight dirty, fight to win, and give no quarter.
The stakes are high, our cause is just, and there can be no compromise. This is a war we cannot lose.