‘A New Sheriff In Town’

“There’s a new sheriff in town,” Iowa Republican Sen. Chuck Grassley crowed after Donald Trump’s April 7 Syrian missile attack, when 59 or 60 Tomahawk cruise rockets hit around a relatively uninhabited air field. Six people were killed, according to Syrian sources. (“Where’s that box of badges?”)

But what this Yankee lawman doesn’t understand is that the world ain’t Dodge City, and he ain’t Wild Bill Hickok or Wyatt Earp!

The Don had warned the Russians at the field about the attack. By some miracle, the Syrian bad guys who also share the area apparently “sensed danger” and vamoosed.

The strike was retaliation for someone’s gas attack (no one has claimed responsibility), which killed dozens of innocent civilians on a government air base. (Ambushes don’t go down easy around here.)

The images were gruesome. Shown were children and adults choking to death from the poisonous gas.

Donnie was so moved that he announced the attack while having chocolate cake with Chinese President Xi Jinping in Mar-a-Lago. (Maybe washed down with some sarsaparilla?)

Images of several million refugees who have been fleeing Syria for years show people starving and dying, begging for rescue. They weren’t powerful enough to move The Donald, or a GOP Congress, or our nation, to lift a single helping finger. (“Ain’t my fight, I’m staying in the bunkhouse.”)

On March 30, Secretary of State Rex Tillerson, during a news conference in Ankara, espoused a hands-off policy for Syria and its vicious president, Bashar al-Assad. (“We’ll just give him a little slack before we hang him.”)

Just days later, following the attack, The Donald changed his mind and attacked Assad. What a pal. Flip, flop. Who ya gonna trust? (“Mike, oil up that new rope.”)

The Donald, bragging about his (“big iron on his hip”) strike during an interview with FixedNews Business host Maria Bartiromo, said, “We’re now having dessert — and we had the most beautiful piece of chocolate cake that you’ve ever seen — and President Xi was enjoying it.

“So what happens is I said, ‘We’ve just launched 59 missiles heading to Iraq, and I wanted you to know this.’ And he was eating his cake. And he was silent.”

“Syria?” Bartiromo corrected.

“Yes, heading toward Syria,” Trump said.

Oops, wrong country. Could he have Freudian-slipped his next target?

He followed up by mentioning Xi finished his dessert.

The nation’s Clown-in-the-White House, Donnie Trump, seems to have forgotten that during his 2016 POTUS campaign, he assured the nation and the world that “the United States cannot be the world’s policeman.” (So much for being the “new” Law Dog in town.)

Another oops moment flip-flop, as his wiring seems to be loose and sparking.

In North Carolina at a “campaign rally” after he was elected, he assured us that the United States “will stop racing to topple foreign regimes that we know nothing about, that we shouldn’t be involved with.” (“I don’t want no trouble, Marshal.”)

On Tuesday, April 11, he Twitted: the United States would be willing to engage with North Korea if it’s “looking for trouble.” (In the street, high noon. Come alone and heeled.) The High Noon clock ticked loudly. The Doomsday Clock ticked a minute closer.

On Thursday, he Twitted: “I have great confidence that China will properly deal with North Korea. If they are unable to do so, the U.S., with its allies, will! U.S.A.” (Ouch, the sweaty glove slap upside the head moment.)

Donald J. Trump in November 2015: “I know more about #ISIS than the generals do, believe me… I would bomb the sh**t out of them.” (Might be time for “last call” and sounds of the swinging doors slapping.)

Now, he has turned military decisions concerning ISIS over to the generals. (My deputies handle the light work.)

“There is nobody who understands the horror of nuclear more than me.” — June 2016 Trump Twit. (Nervous laughs in background. Spittoon splats heard. Boots shuffle.)

Now, he is provoking a nuclear war with North Korea, a nation run by a guy with a funny hairdo and who is just as unhinged and reckless as The Donald. (The saloon goes quiet.)

The Donald’s decision to turn the military loose, with powers to bomb whenever and whomever, is frightening and fraught with dangers. Not only will lots of innocents be killed and maimed, he most likely will blame any snafus on the generals. Like he did with the botched raid in Yemen, when Chief Petty Officer William Owens, a Navy SEAL known as Ryan, was killed.

The Donald, as per usual, blamed former president Obama, despite having signed off on that raid himself.  (“Wasn’t my idea. I told him it was a bad plan.”)

Had North Korea’s missile test this weekend been successful, we could fully have expected him to order a strike, using his cellphone, while struggling to escape a sand trap while golfing again in Mar-a-Lago. (“No rush. Let ’em work it out.”)

He probably would have declared a “bogey,” as he told his foursome about the strike. Or maybe over more fantastically great cake. (“Let’s mosey back to the office. Put our feet up.”)

Our nation’s GOP leaders are silent as death. The sabres rattle as our “new sheriff” polishes his new tin star.

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