The Trump guide to celebrating holidays. Bigly.

With the confluence of two major religious holidays this month, it’s been a difficult few weeks for 45 and The Gang that Couldn’t Speak Straight. First, Press Secretary and one-time Easter Bunny Sean Spicer suggested, during Passover, that Hitler had not used chemical weapons on his own people, seemingly forgetting the millions of Jews who were gassed by the Third Reich. Then came word that the White House Easter Egg Roll, a tradition since 1878, might be cut back or canceled because of a lack of planning.

The event was held as scheduled, but as with most Trump events, something was a bit – off.

The First Family launched the Egg Roll with an appearance on a balcony, flanked by an Easter Bunny and a uniformed guard who seemed to be an extra from a production of “The Nutcracker.” After a brief speech in which 45 suggested that the Egg Roll would make us a stronger nation, and the playing of the National Anthem, when Melania had to remind him to put his hand on his heart, the festivities began.

While Melania gamely sat in the garden, in her pink bridesmaid dress and dyed-to-match pumps, and read to the children, 45 took a Trump hat from a child who had asked him to sign it and then threw the hat into the crowd rather than returning it to the disappointed kid.

One wonders how 45 will handle other special occasions. It is tempting to speculate:

May 14, Mother’s Day: Trump makes a surprisingly warm and heartfelt speech about the importance of mothers, right after signing an executive order rescinding protections for women who take maternity leave. He then reveals he has had the Oval Office redecorated in the favorite colors of “the best mother I know,” daughter Ivanka. Melania gets nothing, a slight that will be noted in her divorce petition, tentatively scheduled to be filed on Jan. 21, 2021.

Memorial Day: Before departing for Mar-a-Lago, Trump declares Memorial Day a “false holiday” and says he sees no reason to honor service members who were killed. “They became heroes because they were killed. I like service members who don’t get killed,” he says. Kellyanne Conway, sent in to clean up the mess, deflects the blame, saying all the World War II military deaths were FDR’s fault.

Fourth of July: Independence Day falls on a Tuesday, giving Trump an excuse to go golfing at Mar-a-Lago on Sunday and stay for three days. Meanwhile, Melania and Barron are still in New York so Barron can attend summer school. They decide to go to the Macy’s fireworks display, so the Secret Service, out of an abundance of caution, forces everyone else to stay home and watch it on TV.

Thanksgiving: Trump forgets to sign the annual Thanksgiving Proclamation until Dec. 5, shortening the holiday shopping season and forcing the Macy’s parade to be held in a blizzard. He then sparks an international incident by pardoning the president of Turkey. Spicer says it was a natural mistake. “Turkeys don’t fly, and the president of Turkey is on the no-fly list. You people are making a big deal out of nothing.”

Christmas: Christmas Eve falls on Sunday, so the president goes golfing as usual, having forgotten the traditional White House Christmas tree lighting. Finally, someone remembers, and Trump lights the tree by remote control. Melania and Barron decide to go to Midnight Mass at St. Patrick’s Cathedral, so the Secret Service tells everyone else to stay home and watch it on TV. Ivanka gets Mar-a-Lago for Christmas. Barron gets his very own coal mine, complete with miners. Melania gets nothing. The divorce petition gets filed on Dec. 26.


17 thoughts on “The Trump guide to celebrating holidays. Bigly.

  1. Yeah, I had to go looking for that hat throwing-thing. He sure pretended to throw it to the crowd (and it looked like it at some angles), enough for the young guy to think he was doing it. Doesn’t matter–that’s a dick move, especially if somebody in the crowd was gonna end up snatching it because THEY didn’t know it was a joke. Ugh.

    Anyhoo, I just can’t wrap my head around what this administration’s really about and what it’s going to do to the country. And I have a feeling you’re not far off in what’s going to happen on other holidays.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Could be extra special fun to imagine how they would treat today’s holiday: 4/20. Doh! Maybe they only celebrate that in Washington state and Colorado.

    Liked by 1 person

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