That might seem like a strange headline. Perhaps even tinted with shades of clickbait. Fine. It is clickbait. Nobody could possibly find ONE reason to love Trump, let alone 10. Yet as I sit here drinking Trump Vodka, admiring my degree from Trump University, eating Trump Steaks (medium rare) and re-watching every episode of The Apprentice (before the terminator RUINED it), I can’t help but wonder whether The Donald is getting a bad rap. Maybe he is just tragically misunderstood by the FAKE media outlets and liberal communist, America-hating New Yorkers. So, in the spirit of rebuilding the bridges that his Donaldness burned down, here are 10 rock-solid reasons you should learn to stop worrying and LOVE The Donald.
- His father was the Monopoly Guy. Here’s evidence. Can you imagine growing up in a household that forced you to develop properties in a color group evenly? Seriously, if there’s one thing the Trumps HATE doing, it’s developing properties for color groups. Or ethnic groups for that matter. But those are the rules of monopoly. Poor Donald. At least his old man gave him plenty of get-out-of-jail-free cards for his involvements in any number of illegal activities.
- He’s an award-winning actor. That’s right, haters. The Donald is an AWARD-WINNING ACTOR. I’m not talking about his timeless cameos in The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, Sex and the City or Spin City. Nope, I’m talking about the time he won a Razzie for worst supporting actor in the 1989 unforgettable classic “Ghosts Can’t Do It” opposite Bo Derek. Needless to say, that film changed the history of cinema and inspired the classic works of luminaries in the field.
- Trump has been sued more than 3,500 times. I have never been sued once, which just goes to show you how everyone is out to get The Donald. Seriously? 3,500 lawsuits? All you liberal, fake news spewing robots think that so many lawsuits is a bad thing. Well, just think how many lawyers, aides, researchers, strong-armed mafioso enforcers he must have on his payroll! The entire economy is pretty much predicated on Donald Trump getting sued. He’s bringing jobs to America, people, so stop hating on him.
- All of his friends are Dic … tators. Do you know how hard it is trying to stick to the Constitution (WEAK!) when every single one of your friends is a maniacal, bloodthirsty dictator? Vladi over in Russia, Kimmy in NK and now ol’ Recep Erdogan in Turkey. They sit around the ‘evil’ table just laughing at him and no one here in the West gets it.
- He’s surrounded by haters. Who can’t relate to this from their own job? Nancy in accounting is always talking shit behind your back. Luke in accounts payable didn’t even invite you to the impromptu birthday party in the breakroom. Shawna from legal won’t even accept your friend request. Sheesh. Bannon and Kushner are fighting. Spicer’s foot is stuck so far in his mouth he can’t talk without spitting up shoelace, and Lord help us, Ivanka had to go and get all Jewy. Poor Donald.
- Being president is a full-time job! Christ, why isn’t anybody cutting him some slack? He’s gotta be up at 3 a.m. to tweet venomous barbs at all his haters (and promote his daughter’s business ventures). Golf is set for 10 a.m. There’s some handshakes and important decisions to be made (“Tonight we watch Finding Nemo and that’s final, Barron!”) and then there’s meetings with all the lawyers (see above about the 4,009 lawsuits — 500 more since I started writing this). How’s a faux billionaire supposed to enjoy life when everyone is expecting him to do so much work (so WHINY!).
- Finding 10 reasons is really hard. I was too ambitious. I should have aimed for 5.
- He hates pets. Ah, finally a president who’s saying what we all think! Who loves adorable little puppies with names like “Buddy” or “Bo”? Nobody, that’s who! Cats are useless and only good for amusing us on YouTube. In real life they leave hair everywhere and sleep all fucking day. Fish? USELESS. Turtles? FOR LOSERS. Gerbils? Well, at least they have a purpose. Ferrets? What is he, a fucking nihilist? (It’s a Coen Brothers movie reference). So if you hate fluffy animals as much as most of us do, The Donald is a breath of fresh air.
- He’s got small fingers and small hands. Ugh, who can’t relate to this? In fact, how many of us haven’t photoshopped our hands bigger in pictures? It’s totally relatable things like this that make me LOVE DJT more and more every day. Also, I’m a professional freelance graphic designer (with a master’s degree from TU… Trump University) and I offer competitive rates on hand-shopping.
- His parents loved him so much they sent him away to boarding school. His sister loved him so much she called him “a brat” while growing up. Who can’t relate to parents who just don’t understand. In fact, this is what prompted DJT to make an appearance on The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.
To love Trump is to love America, freedom, liberty, french fries, a large Coke and a … oh, sorry, I’m actually dictating this to my computer (my fingers are too tiny to type) and I was passing through a McD’s drive through. Anywho, he’s making America great and you should stop hating him for doing that and start loving him.
Also, chat with him on Facebook Messenger. Grumpy Trumpy the BOT is highly entertaining and full of wisdom, just like the man himself: https://www.facebook.com/Grumpy-Trumpy-498600440264215/
Finally, I don’t own any of these images. Please don’t sue. I don’t have a team of lawyers.