Exactly how soon will the recall notice for Donnie Trump’s “fine tuned machine” be issued?
Even while he was out of the country on his first trip abroad — not even seated on its throne — ah, driver’s seat — the danged thing was making clanking noises the world could hear.
From the very first day he took possession and started the engine, screeching whines poured from under the hood. He even sent “one of my surrogates,” Sean Spicer, to cry publicly that the seating capacity had been reported as woefully too small. In less than two weeks, it began to rattle and shake, and things that once were attached went to hell in a handbasket.
The wheels wobbled about unbalanced after his designated driver, Michael Flynn, was fired after lying about his qualifications to steer Don safely down a road filled with possible “bad guys” popping out of bushes or crawling over walls and into the roadway.
Trump’s son-in-law, Jared Kushner, was supposed to be the head mechanic, charged with seeing that everything was tightened down and “streamlined” for maximum mileage and dependability. But he was too busy selling billions of dollars worth of high-tech weaponry to Saudi Arabia, whose leaders assured him they were for deterring extremists who cut people’s heads off in public.
Wanting to take James Comey, FBI director, out to dinner and maybe watch The Apprentice reruns, The Donald instead tried to hit on James for a hug, but when Comey gave him a not-tonight excuse, Don kicked him out the car door and onto the street, firing him while blaming everything on Comey’s horrible treatment of Hillary Clinton and her e-mails.
That’s when the doors finally fell off of Don’s finely tuned machine, with its driver accused of a hit-and-run crime.
Just one day later, clown-in-chief Donnie developed a fatal leak of the head gasket, pouring out secrets to Russian spies who didn’t even need to capture or waterboarded him. Lug nuts on every wheel loosened and fell off. Now, the transmission is leaving a trail of nasty leaks as it wheezes onward, swerving across every line on the government highway.
Attorney General Jeff Sessions can’t go for a spin because his Klan sheet and tall hood scrape the headliner, and his cross won’t fit in the boot.
Secretary of State Rex Tillerson won’t return Donnie’s phone calls.
Housing Secretary Ben Carson, isn’t allowed inside because he says crazy shit and drools on the fine leather upholstery. Besides, he says, he carries a knife to defend himself from hunger-crazed people who don’t realize that “poverty is a state of mind.” Maybe he fears one or more of them could see him as a fine, fat meal.
Secretary of Energy, Texan Rick “frick and frack” Perry, hasn’t been invited because he won’t take off those silly boots and sharp spurs before getting in. They can cut hell out of fine “Corinthian leather.”
Vice President Mike Pence has been riding shotgun lately, after having been the hood ornament and bug catcher. The only thing still attaching him to the crate is a frayed safety belt. His passenger side windscreen is cracked from the impact of his head due to his boss’ sudden illogical swerves and reverses.
The rear window is missing, along with facts-challenged Presidential Counselor Kellyanne Conway. No “missing person” alert has been broadcast, and her face is on no milk cartons.
Rumors abound that press flack (an apt title) Sean Spicer may be locked in the boot and is being taken for a long ride into the D.C. outback now that The Don has returned from his disastrous public mouth-brain short-circuiting, traveling circus show.
The machine lacks running boards, so reluctant Secret Service agents have to claw at the side rain gutters and roof to ride. The exterior top and sides are marred with deep fingernail and tooth grooves. The front windshield wipers have been clawed away by clinging agents, and the hood is sorely dented and shoe scuffed.
His machine needs heavy repairs, but he appears to have voided the warranty due to lead-footed driving that has already cost taxpayers millions of dollars for maintenance.
Threats of repossession are rising from unhappy lien-holders of Trump’s once “fine tuned machine.”