Does Comey fight like a girl?

— R.J. Matson Copyright 2017 Cagle Cartoons


Of all the incredulous reasons why we should not believe former FBI director James Comey’s testimony that Donald Trump tried bigly to influence him to drop an investigation over Russian election tampering, my favorite is that he’s really a woman and/or his “feminine side” prevented him from saying no to the president.

Radio host Laura Ingraham said Comey “is a drama queen” and “men should not write like this.” Fox News host Charles Payne said Comey is “a lot more emotional than you would think the head of the FBI should be . . . and vindictive, too.” Donald Trump Jr. claimed Comey should have been a “stronger guy.” CNN contributor Amy Holmes said Comey “sounds like a 13-year-old girl.” Fox’s Greg Gutfield said “Comey is like a pearl-clutching senior who’s upset about the short skirts.” And Trump’s former campaign manager Corey Lewandowski criticized Comey as not “man enough” for having leaked a memo Comey wrote via his friend rather than doing it himself.

Oddly enough, this commentary about a 6-foot-8 blue-eyed Boy Scout and college religion major has morphed into discussion of sexual politics and rape culture. Sadly, we were too intent on watching for violations of constitutional law to pick up this sub-theme, which would be so unlike your writer given that she has been accused of being “a feminist.”

For the record books, Comey’s testimony before the Senate Intelligence Committee was seen by an estimated 19.5 million viewers over 20 networks, said Variety. (In comparison, Trump’s inauguration drew 30.6 million viewers, and that’s still lower than Barak Obama’s inauguration, with 37.7 million viewers, chump.) Somehow 19.5 million people had 19.5 million different versions of what happened — even people watching the same television in the same room.

After a weekend of review, comment and analysis of the Comey testimony, not to mention two days of hard partying and celebration, we wondered if the radical and declining core of Trump supporters still back their narcissistic leader. So we visited social media, garbage dumpsters and hate speech publications where Trump supporters hang out, searching Diogenes-like for an honest, thoughtful, conservative opinion on Comey’s testimony. We failed. The journey was partly entertaining, mostly scary, and we did come up with a feel-good slogan should Trump wish to pursue politics in the future: “I Hope You See a Way to Vote for Trump.”

According to white-supremacist-fueled Breitbart, Comey’s testimony was:

“A giant nothing-burger. Except for the fact that Comey admitted he is a leaker, has a network through which he has leaked information designed to harm President Trump. Oh, and that former Attorney General Loretta Lynch and other Obama administration officials may have engaged in serious misconduct worthy of further investigation.”

Facebook’s Trump Fan Network has about 556,000 followers, some of them we now know are poor Russians who are paid in vodka. Thoughts on Comey’s testimony on the fan net still went like this one:

“Take the SOB to court for leaking. Embarrass the SOB and suck every dollar out of the corrupt SOB’s bank accounts. Jail the whinny (sic) little scum-bag for at least 24 hrs. Let’s go Sessions!”

Good time to point out there’s a statistical theory that if you gave a million monkeys typewriters, they’d eventually come up with the complete works of Shakespeare. Thanks to the Internet and this site, we now know that’s not true.

The official Donald J. Trump page on Facebook, with only 23.5 million followers, was more moderate but steadfast in its Comey comments, like this one:

“Please know Mr. President that you and the Patriots of our Republic are fighting against Satan and his demons for the very soul of our nation. Your supporters are with you and our resolve is unshaken. Please pray sir and stay strong. We are praying for you and appreciate what you are doing for us and our families. We are still here sir.”

Yes, this person has a name, but we don’t think it’s fair to ridicule when dumb speaks for itself.

Alex Jones of Infowars put out a Top Ten list of alternative facts the mainstream media won’t report on the Comey testimony, somehow missing the rule that you start with #10 and go up, with the best for last. The items included “Trump asked Comey to investigate members of his campaign; Attorney General Loretta Lynch blocked a special investigator in the (Hillary Clinton) e-mail case and Comey backed her up; the New York Times is fake news; John McCain’s mind is slipping;, and drum roll please, the president has the authority to stop any investigation he wants. Or maybe not.

Next up: Attorney General Sessions appears before the Senate Intelligence Committee today read a grocery list, in an open session. Bars open early with free drinks for every time he pleads the fifth. Thanks to a media release, we already know Trump’s lawyer is preparing the True Trumpers for another round of alternative facts, mainly that Sessions began consulting with Department of Justice ethics officials to consider whether he should recuse himself on Trump campaign investigations, and he did so the day after being sworn in. If it’s true that Trump’s hot shot lawyer makes $1,500 an hour, and that’s the best he can do, Trump needs to get another lawyer.


5 thoughts on “Does Comey fight like a girl?

  1. These people can’t insult a man unless they insult women in the process. Notice, even the alt-right’s favorite epithet, “cuck,” shames a man for his wife’s alleged sexual deeds with others. They have a real problem with women.


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