Approval rating at press time:
33 percent, according to CNN, Quinnipiac University polls
* * *
Welcome to Trumplandia, a place where with a bit of wit and snark, we keep the world caught up on all of the tasty Nuggets-o-Trump you may have heard about, but were too busy to care. Because most of this minutia occurs just below the massive headlines about the POTUS, it’s in a land of its own. Here, an infusion of social media, video clips and print media meld with our outdated political views to make more delicious “Fake News” about our Commander-in-Chief.
So just like the president, we start it all with little tweet like this:
No White House chaos!
The week of our Trump – July 29, 2017 – In this Mooch-errific edition of Trumplandia, we obsess over the fiery end that was put to the brief political career of former communication director and ultimate sleaze-bag, Anthony Scaramucci.
The Mooch, who only held the post of director for an amazing 10-days, was in the words of his former boss, “amazing and a record-setter” for being the shortest serving member of the Trump White House and perhaps the briefest public relations flak to well, brief the press in our country’s history.
Just how bad a week was it for Scaramucci?
Imagine this: Scaramucci was appointed as Trump’s communication’s director on July 21, prompting the almost immediate resignation of White House stalwart Sean Spicer and the “resignation” of Chief-of-Staff Reince Priebus.
Roughly a week later, Scaramucci’s tremendously pregnant wife of three years, Deidre Ball, filed for divorce from the former Wall Street hedge fund financier — in what some say was in protest of her husband’s decision to become spokesman for The Donald.
Reports stated Ball was not a fan of Trump and obviously was more than vexed when her ambitious hubby landed his dream job with POTUS #45 and bounced to D.C., a move that obviously surprised the American public as well as wifey.
To add insult to injury, the couple welcomed their second child days later on July 31, but then it got worse.
On that same day, The Mooch celebrated the appointment of new Chief-of-Staff Gen. John Kelly, just in time for him to make fast work of the Mooch.
Sarah Huckabee Sanders, all dolled up by the Mooch approved hair and makeup stylist, said she would not elaborate on whether Scaramucci was fired or willingly resigned.
Man, that was so, Reince Priebus — right?
Or is that Michael Flynn?
Kelly later said Scaramucci’s “resignation” was a result of reported comments days earlier by the “Mooch-arino” in the New Yorker magazine. In the article, the leak-plugger supreme called Priebus a paranoid, schizophrenic with a side of profanity. He also called attention to White House advisor Stephen Bannon’s alleged ability to perform self-fellatio.
The colorful language pissed off the Pussy-Grabber-in Chief, who thought such talk was inappropriate despite Newt Gingrich stating that Mooch and the president spoke the same X-rated language. Got it?
Then it got even worse.
On the same Maniac Monday, the Harvard Law School Alumni Directory erroneously proclaimed The Mooch was officially dead to us.
Last printed in 2011, Scaramucci was connoted with an asterisk, which means the 1989 graduate was listed as “dead.” The publication apologized for the error and said it will be corrected in subsequent editions.
Get over it. There is no chaos in the White House.
Bull in the china shop
In response to what appears to be an increasingly more aggressive North Korean policy, President Trump on July 31 assured us that he would handle the mysterious communist empire because “we handle everything.”
When North Korea tested another intercontinental ballistic missile on July 30, Trump responded by going nuclear — thank God only on his cellphone — targeting China and leader Xi Jinping for not controlling their unruly neighbor.
As of May 2017, it was reported that the United States owes a whopping $1.102 trillion to China. For its part, China wrote off the Trump Tweet as nothing more than the U.S. President’s “emotional venting.”
Often a diplomatic conduit between the United States and North Korea, the Chinese have intervened in past sabre rattling, which in the past always meant more talk than action. This all changed in 2017 after Trump’s tough campaign talk regarding changes in U.S. policy towards Pyongyang and its leader Kim Jong-un.
The Xinhua News Agency, the official state news agency for China, took on the role of adult in the room and chided Trump against such public venting, stating it “cannot become guiding policy in solving nuclear issues on the peninsula.”
“Taking out this outrage on China is clearly finding the wrong target,” the Chinese warned. “If you want to solve the nuclear issue on the peninsula, the parties concerned must come up with practical actions and sincerity, not shirk responsibility.
The North Korean missile launch was the second in as many months.
Orange-Julius Cesar probably expected that warships off his coast would send Jong-un a message of the United States’ firm resolve, but he obviously didn’t get the message. Maybe next time he can try that old, “ineffective” diplomatic method such as levying further sanctions. If not, there’s always time to deploy the Dennis Rodman option, or at least serve the Chinese more fetching pastries.
White House senior presidential consultant and Trump son-in-law Jared Kushner was back in the headlines this week with more glib and pointless statements about the June 2016 meeting between Don Jr. and the Russians.
During a July 31, sitdown with interns discussing the Trump policy towards the Middle East, Kushner joked about the president’s organization and its lack of organization.
“We couldn’t even collude with our local offices,” silent Jared allegedly stated as per a conversation leaked to Wired and later the website Foreign Policy.
So, the reason we should believe you did not collude with the Russians your brother-in-law invited to share damning information on Hillary Clinton is because you’re organization is too disorganized to pull together an effort to collude?
Forgive us if we aren’t exactly falling over ourselves to believe you, bro.
Not only are you from a White House and a family that is seemingly challenged by facts every time you open your mouth, but remember you also failed to tell us that you met with the Russians until it was reported in The New York Times. Then you forgot to disclose that $10 million on your financial disclosure form that you somehow misplaced.
That may explain your transgressions when you’re talking to Ivanka, but not when you’re performing an important job for our country by advising our president.
We’ll chalk this one up as just another Jared sidestep and again choose not to buy it.
Pranked By Jared?
Homeland Security Advisor Tom Bossert was pranked this week by a British e-mailer who fooled the government shill into thinking he was on track to floss with Ivanka and Jared.
The anonymous culprit gained access to the real government e-mail addresses and pranked Anthony Scaramucci, Bossert, and Ambassador to Russia-designate Jon Huntsman, Jr., according to CNN.
In the case of Bossert, the prankster fooled the official into believing that Jared Kushner was e-mailing him about an upcoming event.
“Tom, we are arranging a bit of a soiree towards the end of August,” the fake Jared wrote. “It would be great if you could make it, I promise food of at least comparible (sic) quality to that which we ate in Iraq. Should be a great evening.”
Bossert was enthused at the opportunity and passed off his personal e-mail address to the fake Trump son-in-law.
The same jokester was also able to e-mail Scaramucci, pretending to be Reince Preibus.
The Mooch, of course, responded to the fake Priebus a day after he announced his resignation. The prankster came at Scaramucci about tweets he’d written and demanded an apology.
While the Homeland Security Advisor did not respond to CNN, the White House acknowledged the prank and said it was investigating.
Adding more to the circus-like atmosphere of the last two weeks in Trumplandia was Sean Spicer, who “resigned” his post as White House spokesperson, but was being considered for a spot on ABC’s Dancing With the Stars.
Peta Murgatroyd, a DWTS cast member, addressed the possibility during an interview with ET Online, stating she could neither confirm nor deny Spicer would appear on season 25 of the megahit!
If selected Spicey would join current U.S. Secretary of Energy and former Texas Gov. Rick Perry as a Trump staffer who appeared as a contestant on DWTS.
At press time, Spicer had turned down the alleged offer from the dancing contest “reality” show.
So unlike his successor, Scaramucci, we immediately know the answer to the question posed in 1976 by Rock group Queen. We do know whether he will he do the Fandango — and the answer is “No.”
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