Who can forget those badge-heavy rascals Starsky & Hutch vigorously inflicting their unique good cop/bad cop routine on the neighborhood dope dealers; alternating bouts of endearment and tough love upside the head until they saw the light?
It’s a classic formula: two cops, extremely different personalities, coming together for a common goal. Sort of like Mr. Trump and his covetous Gang of Four.
Thanks to his cranial collection of competing personalities, Mr. Trump is the first President able to try the good cop/bad cop routine solo. The Marmalade Muffin is so adept at being several morons simultaneously that he’s angered confused and befuddled most of the world’s great minds. Not even koi are immune.
Last week, in response to a Rocket Man trash bash, Mr. Trump claimed he would never call Kim “short and fat” before blowing him away.
“Oh well, I try so hard to be his friend — and maybe someday that will happen!” The epitome of a rare, solo good cop/bad cop dialogue.
Because Trump frequently reveals multiple personalities in the same sentence, it is hard to say whether Starsky & Hutch, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, or some new interloper will appear. On the baked sweet potato’s really good days he behaves like a hard-driving Starsky and magnanimous Hutch. During the remaining 12 months and change since being elected, Mr. Trump prefers Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, the main characters in a 1856 study of split personalities titled “The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.” Author Robert Louis Stevenson first wrote his sublime story about upper crust London Victorians who kept their steel fists hidden in velvet gloves. Mr. Trump should have read it.
Written in six days or so, Stevenson’s novella illuminates the wicked Victorian Era and its “outward respectability and inward lust,” the same conditions Mr. Trump and his cronies seem wracked by.
On TV, dark, cynical Starsky usually pretends to be on the side of harshness, and Hutch on the side of beneficence. Starsky never wants to hear what is offered in mitigation.
Real cops often employ harshness as well. So do world leaders. Too bad Mr. Trump routinely forgets which guy he is pretending to be. In China, his obsequies behavior suggests he thought he was a giant panda. Mr. Trump flew away without invoking the wrath he promised to deliver to the inscrutable Chinese.
Even without his provocateurs, Trump is perfectly comfortable smacking the truth around in his buildup to his trademark snarky little jabs. His dull point is usually wrapped in a threat, or insults, or sophomoric jibes, like telling North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un his country sucks bigly and his grandpa was a punk.
Just because it is true, even funny, it doesn’t make it okay to say such things during nuclear diplomacy.
Cool, reflective Dr. Jekyll and revered Hutch Hutchinson are the good guys. Mr. Trump wants so yugely to be adored like Hutch and revered like Jekyll. Big-haired David Soul looked so cool in aviator glasses. Mr. Trump looks like a fall squash wearing Gloria Steinem’s trademark spectacles.
In any event, the target — in this episode Kim Jung-Un — was supposed to become enamored with his new best friend Trump, played by Jekyll and Hutch. He tried the personas against Kim last Tuesday in Seoul, South Korea. The Supreme Leader, as duplicitous as Mr. Trump, badly needs relief from the world’s economic sanctions before his own starving people make him into a tasty spring roll. He still told Mr. Trump to pound sand.
Mr. Trump wants Kim Jung-un to quit building nuclear-tipped ballistic missiles so he won’t be forced to destroy North Korea. Trump says he is compelled to consider turning North Korea into another smoking hole to ensure world peace. Anyone remember when fighting for peace was like fucking for virginity? Apparently no one lately. America seems content dragging out that familiar saw every time the Pentagon feels the need to lay waste to somewhere.
How to do it is a six-sided question for the experts at the Puzzle Palace. Mr. Trump doesn’t have a clue. The Pentagon generals say that if Kim Jong-un refuses to stop shooting rockets and blowing up H-bombs all over the place, his country will eventually be driven to near extinction by the economic sanctions already brought to bear by most of the affluent world. Trump isn’t buying it.
Sad! If Kim miscalculates and calls Mr. Trump’s bluff, the Starsky and Hyde side of his erratic, schizoid personality might just try provoking a pre-emptive, unilateral attack on the short, fat guy. Mr. Trump is unaware, or doesn’t care about the other billion and a half folks living nearby who will react with extreme umbrage if Mr. Trump does anything that rash.
Mr. Trump already acts like he doesn’t care if he causes a catastrophic war. Great Leaders provoke vicious wars and revolutions . . . Hitler, Stalin, Mao, Pinochet, Trump.
Some say the Mango Mussolini is taking a page from Ronald Reagan, who’s “Mad Man” negotiating tactics with the former Soviet Union helped crush it. Sometimes Mr. Trump signals that war with North Korea, China, Russia, and whomever else is willing to test American resolve would be okay. Then he pulls back, each time stopping incrementally closer to the point of no return. Only in Trump’s clouded, muddled mind is his brand of America so brash, bold, and bigly powerful.
I have no malicious intent, Trump claims.
That was before Kim called him old.
All the survivors will be treated humanely, if there are any. Trust me.