White House, Washington, D.C. — Ersatz Commander-in-Chief Donald Trump joined legendary World War II Navajo code talkers yesterday to insult them and find out whether they can help him with some personal matters. Five sources who were in the Oval Office told The Shinbone Star that the Mango Marauder was talking about uncontrollable flatulence.
“I know you guys can make the wind talk,” Mr. Trump reportedly told the confused warriors. “I saw what you did in a really great movie, “Windtalkers,” which I think it was about Vietnam, but maybe it was one of those other Pacific paradises you guys fought at before I was even a stain on the mattress cover. Maybe Rocket Man starred in it. Great job by the way, did you guys kill anyone? My war was against venereal disease. If you ever get it, you won’t think it’s so funny.
“Anyway, to be honest — and I’m very honest — I’m breaking wind so bad that I stir up waves in Melania’s bathtub. She told me I stink more than the Fresh Kills Landfill on Staten Island. Imagine, my beautiful wife, wow! But hey, it’s okay to call her a fine piece of ass. I do! Wow, that was a bad crack! Speaking of cracks . . . just kidding. Marine talk. Actually, I want to channel it into something useful for my base.”
The brave men who used their Navajo language to baffle their Japanese adversaries during World War II were themselves baffled by Trump’s words. In their own homes, wives and daughters are honored and cherished and for the president to speak so crudely about the women in his own family was simply unbelievable, one old fellow exclaimed.
“What do you do for a big, fat, windbag with yellow hair that is full of shit?” he asked. “A long time ago when my brothers in the Great Sioux Nation encountered a long-haired blond idiot such as him, they killed him. They won’t let us kill this one, but he should be studied anyway. Maybe one of our guys can whittle a designer cork to plug him up or something, but he’s got such a big asshole it might take awhile. His wind is bad medicine, it would choke a goat.”
After a short pow-wow in undecipherable Navajo, an imposing former master sergeant told The Shinbone Star that his Marines had unanimously decided to adopt the pathetic creature and call him “Tso Nitch’l Niłchxon,” Navajo for “Great Stinking Wind.” Unfortunately, they have already been told they can’t take little Nitch’l home.
Mr. Trump was apparently delighted.
“You were here long before any of us were here,” Tso Nitch’l Niłchxon quipped. “Although we have a representative in Congress who they say was here a long time ago. They call her Pocahontas. But you know what? I like you because you are special.”
Mr. Trump, busy talking about himself, was unaware of the tornado that his foul slur had stirred until hearing White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders defending him on CNN. When quizzed about her boss’s racial slur she responded, “I don’t think that it is.”
Arizona’s Democratic Reps. Raúl Grijalva and Ruben Gallegos quickly condemned Chief Small Foreskin’s insensitive remarks. Chief Small Foreskin is one of the names that Native Americans in the Dakotas affectionately call the Great White Chief Who Golfs in faraway Mar-A-Lago.
Grijalva said Mr. Trump’s comment “is offensive and shows his complete ignorance for Native American history during Native American Heritage Month.”
Gallego tweeted, “Seriously! Have you no shame!”
The Alliance of Colonial Era Tribes (ACET) also disputed Sanders’ claim in its statement, noting earlier denunciations after the Orange Orangutan had invoked the name Pocahontas to deride Massachusetts Sen. Elizabeth Warren’s claim of having Native American ancestry.
“The name becomes a derogatory racial reference when used as an insult,” said Dr. J.R. Norwood, ACET’s general secretary. “American Indian names, whether they be historic or contemporary, are not meant to be used as insults. To do so is to reduce them to racial slurs.”
The president of the Navajo Nation, Russell Begaye, said in an additional statement that “in this day and age, all tribal nations still battle insensitive references to our people, adding, “the Navajo Nation does not want to engage in this dialogue between Sen. Warren and President Trump.”
Great Stinking Wind referred inquiries about his remarks to Sarah The Huckster for a more complete lack of useful information.
“I’ll apologize to Pocahontas for comparing her to Elizabeth Warren.”