When you’re out of toilet paper, you’re out of everything

Two events of momentous significance occurred yesterday.

The first was the signing of the so-called Tax Cut and Jobs Act, which must change its name to something equally banal to satisfy Senate rules. Perhaps naming it “The Plundering Tax and Screw Job Plan” is more appropriate.

The second event was a wonderful commentary on the mindset of ordinary people. It was revealed when my wife exclaimed that our order for two rolls of  two-ply toilet paper bearing Donald Trump’s picture had been canceled due to huge demand.

The first event has been adequately covered by everyone looking for something to despise over the Christmas holidays. Merry Christmas, suckers.

The second event is actually good news. It means there is no shortage of people who hate Trump so much that they want to clean their bottoms with his face. They despise him so much, in fact, that they exhausted the supply of Chinese toilet paper created just to humiliate him during each deeply personal moment. That is palpable hate, folks.

Christmas is a miserable time to even be ruminating about Trump. Getting shot at on Christmas is better than thinking about Trump. Unfortunately, there is probably still somebody willing to mow down a few dozen people with their new M-16 just in time to direct the national conscience elsewhere.

This country has been battered into near submission in 12 months by the miserable, stupid, orange-hued man who should at best be a footnote in some social register somewhere. Despite his glaring inadequacies and prevarications, Trump has managed to permeate the deepest recesses of our minds and bodies with his obscene presence.

Now the toilet paper has run out and America is in deep shit.

The Grinch that stole Christmas has nothing on the Orange Bandito and his band of merry moochers populating the New Swamp. Santa has reportedly been banned from flying into the secure airspace around the former home of the people. Nobody at the White House wants a crazy dude in a red suit to be spreading goodwill anywhere near Washington.

Sarah the Huckster is rumored to have told select reporters from Fox and Breitbart that there is no guarantee the “so-called Santa” is even a Caucasian male with marketable skills and a strong command of the English language. That said, the White House isn’t about to set a bad precedent by letting foreigners of any stripe just drop in unannounced on such a sacred Christian holiday.  If Santa tries it, he and his 12 reindeer are dead meat, according to Secret Service protocol for dealing with dangerous intruders.

Sarah claims the cabal of ambitious, amoral perverts, fruitcakes, liars and toadies already clustered inside the hallowed walls of the White House don’t need any stinking Christmas presents. Working for Trump is reward enough. The Magnanimous Mango even invited two obscure lawyers to hold court — men who have never been in a federal courtroom. They declined. Too bad, too! They were just the kind of people the homeland needs to judge Trump’s buddies.

Not to worry. Speaker of the House Paul Ryan said the new tax plan will reignite America’s lagging industry, create jobs and increase wages. America’s disenchantment with Mr. Trump will fade away. Who cares if the new tax law vastly increases the wealth of the millionaires and billionaires who bought Congress’ loyalty while laying the heaviest burden ever heaved onto the backs of future American generations. How many zeros plus interest does $1.5 trillion really have?

Out of Trump wipe? Ryan rolls are still available.

Merry Christmas.


2 thoughts on “When you’re out of toilet paper, you’re out of everything

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