Will Captain Bone Spurs Save The Children?

THE NEW REPUBLIC ILLUSTRATION

It was a stormy day in Florida when Lyin’ Donald Trump revealed his hand was actually a powerful iron fist hidden in a tiny velvet glove.

“I really believe I’d run in there even if I didn’t have a weapon,” Trump revealed to assembled governors gathered at the White House to discover what Mr. Trump intended to do about the epidemic of merciless mass killings by madmen armed with legal killing machines. The governors were apparently concerned they might have to do something desperate like calling for legislation, but lucked out when an idiot started explaining to them why guns are good for schools.

It was only after the entire education system of the United States had come under attack from those pesky guys with guns that the man in the White House who everybody thought was a candy-ass revealed he would have braved automatic weapons fire to save those kids at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, Fla.

In that moment a legend was born, and in a rebuke to Rep. Tammy Duckworth, he’s no mere cadet: Captain Heel Spurs has arrived!

Now that America knows who that bullet-braving badass is, it seems foolish that we ever thought otherwise. And not only brave, but who could be more humble than the man who says he can grab pussies in a single bound!

Some analysts say his startling utterance was no mere coincidence. His base — never focused on any one particular issue — was confusing a relatively tame Facebook tidbit about pussy-grabbing with the more titillating reports about Stormy Daniels’ claims that their hero’s sexual prowess was on par with a 5-wood.
“Wow,” several exceptionally erudite coal miners proclaimed on an ultra right-wing television hatecast after they heard the news. “With those yambos I expected better!” the one with the fewest teeth chortled with a convincing leer.

An unofficial White House mouthpiece explained why identifying Mr. Trump as the masked marvel was immensely important for setting the right tone for America’s soon-to-be-armed teachers. Forget about Stormy. Even a president is entitled to a little stray. Besides, he added smoothly, what’s a firefight in a kindergarten classroom compared to Captain Bone Spurs magnanimously seeking his destiny in a bullet swept hallway. “It was time to put Stormy in the history books,” he explained.

“Of course we — I mean the president — always knew who Captain Bone Spurs was,” one former White House official told The Shinbone Star after a promise of anonymity. “The ‘who’ in that equation is not what is important here. What’s important is realizing that only an asshat cheese dick with no sense of personal decorum would want nodding donkeys braying after their every word,” the communications expert explained from behind a bush.

Another former White House information czar in a shiny suit was more forthcoming. “He prefers his anonymity, seriously, no shit,” the master of scatology added. “Don’t listen to that twerp hiding in the boxwood. Fake news.”

Their lies could not be sustained.

Captain Bone Spurs is just too provocative, and a tsunami rolled across America when still another disgruntled former White House communications specialist leaked his true identity during one of those afternoon talk shows where pissed off women vent.

“I am not going to reveal who Captain Bone Spurs is,” the #MeToo movement’s current darling admitted. “I have too much respect for the president. But I will tell you that someone very much like Captain Bone Spurs was hiding in the Oval Office tweeting lies to divert the American people’s attention from all the dead kids. It takes a really brave man to promise he will charge unarmed into bullet-swept free-fire zones to take out child killers. His unprecedented bravery is nothing less than remarkable to anyone who knows Mr. Trump.”

Russian RT news television was on the story like a dog on a bone. Russians love heroes, especially ones who cozy up to their own nefarious dictator like a favorite beagle. Soon after Mr. Trump revealed his true identity, RT claimed that Russian President Vladimir Putin would be offering the world’s newest superhero Russian citizenship with no strings attached for selling out the rest of his own country.

It was all an insidious plan, and it worked. The useless turd inhabiting the White House was immediately elevated into the Pantheon of Heroes. Graven images of the Bullshitting Bloviater from Queens were wiped away, replaced by statues of the Manly Man with Golden Hair.

The question before the world now is whether Mr. Trump’s surprise declaration was an unintended consequence of being stupid without a clue, or a clever Trumplandian plot to boost his flagging poll numbers to the level of fresh whale poo?

Nobody who hates the Commander-In-Thief likes to admit that the man his loyal staff jokingly calls “Mr. President” is anything more than the slimy, unconscionable lowlife that anyone with sense thinks he is.

While he is ensconced in his lavish, Versailles-like landmark raking in his ill-gotten gains, there are those who would have you believe that Mr. Trump is just an empty suit, at best nothing more than a cunning, conniving opportunist who thinks sympathy is just a word between shit and syphilis.

We can now say with impunity that whole characterization of Mr. Trump as a useless prick is a facade — not unlike that of Clark Kent and Superman — a convenient cover story until he races toward another school in the clutches of a madman with an automatic rifle and a bag full of bullets.

Some would say it’s time for the bilious man with the giant ass to prove he’s a hero and not a coward. If he is really the brave warrior he says he is, Mr. Trump will put on his Captain Bone Spurs outfit and take on the gun lobbies, stamping out the egregious lie that unregulated killing machines are a constitutional right.

Can a man who has stolen everything he owns from both friends and fools risk it all to protect endangered children?

It is more than a fair question.

If the addled bird brain in the White House is not lying about everything that dribbles from his lips, he will act like the legendary Captain Bone Spurs he claims to be and rush unarmed to wherever bullets and barbs are flying.

Las Vegas oddsmakers say it’s more likely he will continue to munch cheeseburgers in his secret bedroom while scribbling the nonsensical tweets of a useless fool.

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4 thoughts on “Will Captain Bone Spurs Save The Children?

  1. just when i think I’ve heard his worse….. he claims he would have run into the line of fire without a weapon. Even he can’t believe this shit. Seriously. Why are those people around him still there?? don’t they have shame? At least an understanding that they will also fall when he does. eventually. Fall hard. Like who else would ever hire them? i look forward to the demise of the Republican party.

    Like

  2. I do not believe that protecting the children from gun violence will come about as a result of anything the President says or does. I believe the solution will come from the mass of law-abiding and responsible gun owners themselves. I could be wrong. I often am.

    Liked by 1 person

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