With an announcement that sent asteroids off predicted trajectories, space cadet and great interstellar explorer Donald “Captain Bone Spurs” Trump added another dimension to the largest and most powerful military force on the planet. As of today the United States of America has a nascent sixth branch of the military – the U.S. Space Force.
Several sources confirmed to the Shinbone Star that Trump conceived his stellar idea while reading the back of a box of Lucky Stars cereal. He told them he had reached his brilliant decision after seeing clear evidence that the Russkies and pesky Chinese want to monopolize outer space in his cereal bowl. To prove it he laid out two soggy bits of cereal that looked like dreaded Communist red stars. He reportedly changed his story after hearing chief of staff John Kelly snickering in the next room.
Secret Tralfamadorian outer space envoy and special counselor to the President Kellyanne Conway told the Shinbone Star that Trump conceived the plan Thursday morning after Fox News reported the Chinese intended to colonize the moon by 2080. She dismissed the cereal saga as irresponsible reporting. According to Conway, the rumored soggy cereal report was just another example of libtard fake news .
“I am a Tralfamadorian, seeing all time as you might see a stretch of the Rocky Mountains. All time is all time, “ Conway explained for transparency. “It does not change. It does not lend itself to warnings or explanations. It simply is.”
While Conway was clearing the air, Pence was observed rushing to the Pentagon to tell Secretary of Defense James N. Mattis to order himself a space suit and find out what it is like to labor every day in a near vacuum with a bi-pedal simian with bad hair. Mattis thought Pence was talking about the Wookie until Pence interrupted him.
“Sadly, I am talking about the President,” he remarked. “To best experience life with a space cadet, wearing a space suit is the best way replicate the vastness of empty space in the Oval Office.
“Now Jim,” Pence purportedly warned the crusty old retired Marine general from behind an office pillar after Mattis grimaced his unhappiness. “Don’t disappoint Donnie on this. You can be replaced, you know. There’s a retired NASA chimpanzee that will do anything for a banana pellet and a chance to grab some poon off little Bubbles.”
On second thought, wait a minute, that was President Trump. Sorry. I am confusing him with Bubbles the chimp. That randy little fella has been hanging out in Florida since Michael Jackson departed the Neverland Ranch for the ethereal regions. He was an alien, you know. Kellyanne told me that before we prayed for his malignant soul. Anyway, the Prez will pay at least as much attention to Bubbles as he does to you. He said to just ask your buddy John Kelly”
During Pence’s speech, he warned of the technological advancements in space that adversaries are making, issuing a clarion call for the gods of war to preserve America’s dominance in space.
“Just as we’ve done in ages past, the United States will meet the emerging threats on this new battlefield,” he said in a speech at the Pentagon. “The time has come to establish the United States Space Force.”
Pence’s announcement was the second time Trump has dragged out his Star Wars fantasy. He has reportedly been miffed about its initial reception last spring after numerous members of Congress laughed at his expense the first time, and especially when Mattis laughed as well.
“Mattis will never command a Death Star with that kind of attitude,” Trump reportedly told his buddy Devin Nunes, the Republican Chairman of the laughably labeled House Intelligence Committee during a secretly taped meeting with Republican supporters. Trump reportedly wants to build one just like he saw in the movies.
It is not all about the universe. At night when Trump wears his Luke Skywalker pajamas and working light saber, he has taken to roaming the halls of the White House with either an unidentified Secret Service agent or Dennis Rodman dressed up as the Wookie Chewbacca, while looking for elusive Princess Melania. Ever since the First Lady found out Trump had bared his light saber to most of the hotties in New York City, Melania has refused to wear the Princess Leah outfit that Carrie Fisher was wearing when Jabba the Hutt licked her. His former attorney Michael Cohen is alleged to have slipped a well-known tabloid $150,00 of his own money to keep Rodman’s story secret.
The monumental task of creating a space force need’s Congress’ approval as well as a few trillion dollars before a Millennium Falcon wannabe zips off into hyperspace for truth, justice and the American way. The idea was previously shelved by Congress, which tabled the out-of-this-world idea last year after fierce opposition inside and outside of the Pentagon, particularly from the Air Force, which stands to lose its job guarding the universe.
Mattis last year said he opposed a new branch of the military “at a time when we are focused on reducing overhead and integrating joint war fighting functions.”
This week, Mattis said the Pentagon and White House “are in complete alignment” on the need to view space as a warfighting domain. Trump loyalist and Fox News anchor Shep Smith mocked Pence’s announcement of the new arm of the military.
“There will be no Millennium Falcon, no Jedis or Wookies we are sad to report,” Smith said. “But if the White House gets its way, in this special case, there will be a Space Force.”
After Pence humiliated the nation with Trump’s nonsense, the newest Jedi tweeted, “Space Force all the way!”