My colleague Macinelli just wrote a marvelous plea for readers of The Shinbone Star to share “patriotic touchstones” for “bringing the country together.” He’s seeking “constructive concepts” that “reach across the emotional and often impractical arguments that divide us.”
And since we are now in the business of pursuing fantasies, this offering provides a satirical touchstone that certainly satisfies Macinelli’s warm-hearted mandates while still offending everybody who supports Donald Trump.
Our story is about an epiphany.
Since June, Trump has made several representations that he wants to remove the criminal enforcement of marijuana laws from the federal domain by relinquishing legal oversight to individual states. Showing total disregard for his attorney general, former Keebler Elf Jeff Sessions, Trump says it is a good idea because American drug enforcement efforts suck.
If acted upon, the gesture will be a patriotic touchstone that millions of people will immediately endorse. Actually, it might make Trump a hero to many millions of people content with their lot as long as it comes with an abundant supply of good shit and minimal disruption.
However, as in all stories revealed in the grand style of click-bait journalism, The Shinbone Star’s exposé comes with a disclaimer: The individual in question probably is — or at least most likely is — who we imply he is, but since truth isn’t really truth, nobody really knows!
Keeping that in mind, who is this huffer of great ganja who is looking to trip the light fantastic on 27-percent ultra-skunk?
Well, that dude is the same dude who’s known in the federal justice system’s Southern District of New York as “Individual-1,” and who reportedly became intimate with some banger weed he copped from a cleaning dude in a White House hallway. It is said among Individual-1’s intimates that before his random encounter, he huddled in a corner doing the funky chicken every night after his final overdose of paranoia from CNN.
It was whispered that Individual-1 was trying to talk the guy who sleeps in the hall with the nuclear launch codes into a game of strip poker, with the winner taking all. That’s when the cleaning guy showed up, reportedly with a blunt too big for Individual-1’s small hands. And thank goodness, more than anyone on the planet, Individual-1 has since benefited from his apparent nightly toking on a power vape full of high-end shatter. It is making America safer!
Even better, Individual-1 intends to quit staying up until dawn writing snarky tweets about Bob Mueller’s Russia probe as soon as he can remove his phone from the orifice where it currently resides. Apparently, Mueller’s efforts have become meaningless compared to the hallucinations Individual-1 enjoys every time he tokes 10 grams of Nepalese Fingerball Hash in five minutes.
And check this out. The ultimate suit, Mike Pence, and gungy former Marine General John Kelly — Inidividual-1’s self-ordained minders — are totally out of the loop on this. The only one who got even a scent was Omarosa Manigault Newman, and that might have been somebody toking in the ladies’ room, because her timing is suspect.
Coincidentally, the groundswell of appreciation for Individual-1 is just now beginning to peak in Missouri on word that marijuana may soon be the Show Me State’s number one cash crop. With no place to sell millions of tons of corn and soybeans because of haphazard, illogical tariffs, Missourians are looking forward to new agricultural opportunities.
The epiphany began in June when Sen. Cory Gardner, Republican of Colorado, and Sen. Elizabeth Warren, Democrat of Massachusetts, introduced the first baby steps toward nationwide legality. Both states already enjoy the fruits of legalization.
The Denver Post reported that their bill will make enforcement of marijuana laws a hands-off affair for the feds in states that already have approved the drug’s use. Colorado, Massachusetts, California and other states that already legalized recreational sales say that de-federalizing marijuana laws will provide access to banks and other financial institutions for millions of pungent dollars. It’s not about marijuana, the senators suggested, it is about fairness to all.
That’s not the only great news. Other touchstones are falling all over the place. Opponents who once opposed legal marijuana use for a variety of specious reasons are suddenly melting away like waxed THC on a flame when the herb’s tax windfall is blown in their faces. Money talks and bullshit walks. Unfortunately, the bill Gardner and Warren submitted has not moved since its introduction.
Meanwhile, anxious Missourians are waiting to vote in November for one of five proposed grassroots marijuana legalization efforts. Their promoters run the gamut from strict enforcement of medical-marijuana-only advocates to stoners all for making it real. The common denominator is a lot of big money hiding behind various facades of righteousness.
One clever motivational effort offered by a laid back pro-pot group found nodding out around the upscale New Town fountain here suggests a huge edibles mailing to marijuana opponents as a way of overcoming opposition. So far, none of the edibles have made it out of the kitchen, but morale remains high. The Shinbone Star is unable to confirm if Individual-1 is down with it.
If the kitchen revolutionaries get their shit together before November 6, the plan is to send soft edibles to teeth-challenged folks who have been living freeze-dried lives deep in the Ozarks since right after Jesse James rode off. Deep in those hollows, most folks still believe evil Mary Jane makes their daughters disrobe and their sons act nasty. They “seen it” on Reefer Madness, the famous government tell-all about wacky tobaccy offered in their adolescent DARE classes last century, and “ain’t nothin’ changed either, Mr. Hippy,” according to one fellow who snarled at a reporter.
Ironically, southern Missouri and the Ozark Mountains are where most of Missouri’s huge crop of illegal marijuana is grown and harvested with near impunity. Individual-1 reportedly had his ace fixer looking for investment opportunities there before Mr. Fixer met with his own misfortunes. Much of the land used for clandestine agriculture already belongs to the Feds, where recreating visitors use huge tracts of the almost empty national forests for remote growing spaces.
Occasionally, a local sheriff gets a tip on a grow and scores a hit big enough for TV cameras to record a helicopter flying off with a bundle of plants big enough for a bluntfest, and estimated by law enforcement to be worth at least $27 million. (No inference toward anti-marijuana advocate and Missouri Republican Sen. Roy Blunt intended.)
Conversely, some folks who claim they base their knowledge on fact-based, hands-on marijuana research told The Shinbone Star their opponent’s perceptions are skewed by Sessions’ hyperbole. They claim the only place they can get shit that good is in Tibet.
“There is enough marijuana dangling from that helicopter to destroy the lives of 12 million people, including adolescents and the lame,” Sessions reportedly told one local U.S. Attorney. “America needs more prisoners. Lock them up!”
Oh, the touchstones!