One has to hand it to ol’ Trumpleforeskin for his foresight. This week the besieged buffoon revealed he hasn’t even read the ultra-sensitive Russian intelligence documents he ordered the Justice Department to declassify. Even though officials at Justice finally prevailed and Trump finally agreed to walk back the request, who would have believed such willingness to show his Russian buddies how we steal all their secrets?
The activities of disgraced national security adviser Michael Flynn, the mysterious Carter Page, fired FBI agent and Trump piñata Peter Strzok, and obscure FBI agent and Russian expert Bruce Ohr, will be revealed if the intelligence community actually bows to Trump’s ludicrous demands. Trump, ever so callous, thinks the revelations will exonerate him of alleged collusion with the Russians.
It’s entirely possible Trump is tearing a page from Bob Woodward’s book, “Fear: Trump In The White House,” the former Washington Post reporter’s blockbuster account of 45’s chaotic reign. Almost every page declares Trump to be an idiot.
Usually uninformed, terminally ignorant and incapable of telling the truth, Trump for once can honestly say, “I am the president of the United States and I don’t know a thing about those scandalous lies.”
According to a White House intimate, who agreed to talk to The Shinbone Star while maintaining deep background cover, the president is no ordinary moron. No sir! The source, who routinely observes Trump while performing his duty mowing the White House lawn, said the president seems almost as discombobulated as he appears.
When Trump answers questions shouted by reporters while he’s walking to Marine One, whatever first thought enters his addled brain, according to our man with the mower, who was the only one to hear because the reporters were too far away.
“Who wants them declassified?
“Who? You? Never met You, is he an Oriental? I really like that Chinese guy Xi Jinping. He is an Oriental. China is in the Orient, really, fascinating people. Surrounded by water, very wet. I like their noodles.
“Really? I don’t know squat about Stormy Daniels disgusting story. Fake news. All fake news, enemies of the people. What? I’m mediocre in the sack? I have a deformed penis! Your Momma!
“She wasn’t complaining back in 2006 and I don’t mean about her accommodations either. She called me her magic mushroom, none of that toadstool crap. Several of my friends heard her being appreciative.”
The gardening technician claims Trump on Tuesday was getting angrier by the minute. He didn’t like where the questions were going:
“That is so inappropriate. Are you from the failing New York Times? Is that you Maggie? No, my penis doesn’t look like a toadstool. It’s the best penis I’ve ever seen. Really. Trust me. You want to see it? Just kiddin’, really. Perfectly normal. Ask anybody.”
Apparently Sean Hannity was there taking it all in:
“Hey Sean. Quit grinning you old leg hound. Melania is fine. Since she got her kidneys fixed I’ve been all over them. Great kidneys. Those things are poppin’ like mushrooms. Thanks for asking, really. Don’t report that. Magnificent. I love you too, Sean.”
To the shouted question from a Newsmax reporter, Trump really got wound up and responded:
“Do I hate Stormy Daniels? Never. I love women. Ask Melania. She’s a great pole dancer — not Melania — Stormy. She has really big you know whats. I truly respect her talents but she has a really big mouth.
“Speaking of big mouths, I’m going to get to the bottom of that classified document stuff. Very heavy, seriously, so bad. Hannity said those documents hold the secrets the American public needs to know. I often get my ideas from Sean and the other great Fox reporters who adore me.
“Of course we want total transparency, very important. It’s going to work out great. Really, trust me. No story at all. The Russians don’t care. They aren’t interested in us. Lou Dobbs told me that. I don’t know where he learned it but I am grateful for his head’s up.
“Did you know Fox News genius Gregg Jarrett wrote a book called ‘The Russian Hoax?’ Never read it but several people, including a guy from Mongolia, or maybe Montana, said it was great. Really. Jarrett called the Russian investigation a hoax, that’s bigger than a witch hunt.”
The Shinbone Star was unable to confirm the veracity of our source’s account, but had no reason to doubt him.
Now you see it, now you don’t
If America truly gets to look at America’s secrets, we probably won’t be impressed except by the amount of redaction denuding the documents of any cogent meaning.
Several proponents of right-wing myopia said they still support the guy with the raging toadstool even though his push to declassify ultra-sensitive intelligence matters was the stupidest thing they’d ever heard.
“Nothing will ever change my mind,” said Amy Kremer, the talking head of Women for Trump, a small political group that apparently admires rotund men and mushrooms with equal abandon.
It is hoped that America’s intelligence wizards will need a new set of Magic Markers after redacting sensitive portions of the documents that the president admits he hasn’t even read.
Speaking of sensitive, what about Trump’s hypha fungi? For those unfamiliar with that organ, it is the filamentous structure inside the stalk of a fungus. All mushrooms are funguses. So are toadstools, which are merely mushrooms with a disparaging name.
The unique stalk of the mushroom protects the tender hypha, that is covered by a seductively shaped cap. Little leprechauns wear them when they are happy. Perhaps Jeff Sessions has one.
Some mushrooms are red or purple, and some are brown or black. It is however correct to say that no particular hues were specified in Stormy Daniels’ colorful account of Trump’s penis in her upcoming tell-all-once-again book.
Already, her descriptions have spawned Trump wannabes. Imagine being the first guy on your block to share a colorful tale about little Winkie.
Unfortunately, his endowment has cast Trump in a whole new light, one that could be a dangerous. Mushrooms hate light. If he isn’t especially careful before the looming midterms, his slightly below average toadstool is going to wither away, along with the rest of him.