Dear Little Brown Girl:
Sorry, kid, you should have been born Norwegian. With blonde hair, blue eyes and a lighter complexion — you know, Aryan good looks like Ivanka’s — President Donald Trump would have welcomed you with open arms. Instead, you got the tear gas.
Not coming from a “shithole country” certainly has its advantages. Of course had you been born in Norway, your mommy — sorry, your mamacita — wouldn’t even have felt the need to join a human caravan and plod along with you for 2,000 miles in search of a better life. But them’s the breaks, kid, and don’t go blaming the white people of Norway, who worked real hard to make their country not a shithole!
Just look at ya standing there, trying to look all pathetic and everything. Well, here’s what I got to say to all them people who are feeling sorry for you: Liberals are always spouting off about how the Second Amendment doesn’t apply anymore because there were no assault rifles back when it was written. Of course I don’t agree, but the thing is, them snowflakes can’t seem to apply their own logic to the words on the Statue of Liberty, something about “huddled masses yearning to breathe free.”
(As for “yearning to breathe free,” well kid, I reckon you really were yearning to breathe free after getting a snootful of that tear gas, huh? Sorry kid, just a little joke there. Ha!)
But to continue explaining it to you, see, my ancestors came here from Germany, but that was so long ago that it hardly matters. It was a different era, and unlike you lazy Mexicans, my people worked hard and learned to speak English. And heck, I don’t even like sauerkraut!
Anyway, that’s how the Second Amendment and the Statue of Liberty are kind of the same — they’re from different eras, don’t you see, and if the liberals want to say the Second Amendment no longer applies, then I say the Statue of Liberty no longer applies! Liberals always think they can pick and choose which words to use, but I got some different words for them: “What’s good for the goose is good for the gander.” Ha!
Thing is, kid, I voted for Donald Trump because he wants to Make America Great Again, and he’s living up to his promises by keeping you and others like you on the wrong side of the fence where you belong. If not for those Liberal Democrats in Congress, my president’s Great Big Beautiful Wall would already be built and we wouldn’t even have to use any tear gas to keep you where you belong.
It’s the liberals who try to turn everything against us, and the Lying Liberal Media is the true Enemy of the People. That’s why I get my news from Fox, which is the only news that ain’t fake.
How much did the liberals pay your mamacita and the other Crisis Actors to run around like you were afraid of that smoke anyways?
And you didn’t even get a whiff of the good stuff, I know because President Trump said so on Twitter. Then I saw a guy on Fox say that tear gas is so natural that you could even put it on your nachos and eat it!
Are you hungry? You might want to give that a try!
Hey, you want to know the other reason I voted for President Trump? It’s because I love babies even more than I love bullets, and my love for babies includes the ones that aren’t even born yet. But the thing is — and I know this is gonna be a little hard for you to understand — it’s the White babies that are most important. Why? Because their English-speaking Mommies and Daddies will work to support them, and they won’t just be looking for handouts like your mamacita. If we allowed her into our country with you, she might even take away some job like picking tomatoes or swamping out urinals, a job that some White American Daddy needs to provide for his family like God intended.
Surely you understand that, don’t you?
So here’s my suggestion, and you can take it or leave it, but I suggest you take it because the truth is that with Donald Trump in charge, you’re not going another step north: Take whatever money the liberals paid you to act scared and buy yourself a cheap plastic bat to go with that Wiffle Ball™ you were holding onto like your life depended on it. I know they play baseball — sorry, béisbol — down Mexico way, so just turn your little brown ass around and get on back down there and play, dammit, play!
Your kind ain’t welcome here.
Signed: Donald Trump’s America