Like any red-blooded American I want to help our president. Because he’s the president he deserves everything he wants. This is, after all, not a democracy and hasn’t been for some time.
Right now Beloved Ruler is having a hard time convincing anyone that a border wall is needed. He hasn’t helped the cause with his series of demonstrably false assertions:
- The Mexicans will pay for it.
- It’s needed because of all the rapists and other bad hombres.
- Thousands of terrorists are sneaking in. So far, the actual count of potential terrorists on the Watch List who’ve come across hovers around six.
- The Mexicans DID pay for the wall — via the illusory benefits of a trade agreement not yet signed, benefits that would go to private industry not the government.
- It’s not a concrete wall after all; it’s a steel fence. And it doesn’t have to go everywhere. Yes it does. No wait, it IS a wall. Whatever, it’s beautiful.
Clearly All-Powerful Potentate requires some better pretexts for building his wall. As his obedient servant, I suggest one or more of the following:
- See The Wall: Ask border states’ tourism bureaus to build the wall. It’ll be a great tourist attraction — if not a second Great Wall, at least a highly promotable Very Good Wall.
- The Fucking Wall: Though Mexican ex-President Vincente Fox said, “we’re not paying for a fucking wall,” what if it was the real thing? The spectacle of coitus going on everywhere on the wall would bring in huge revenue. Plenty of lonely Mexicans and Americans would contribute — maybe $200 a pop, so to speak? Some loyal distaff supporters could “man” the rampart. Perhaps the Daughters of the American Revolution? What price freedom?
- Tom Sawyer Summer Camp: Themed around the great Twain novel’s most endearing episode, the vacation facility could induce children into building the wall as a summer project. And a Boy Scout badge for wall-building wouldn’t hurt.
- The Christo Wall: Engage the great environmental artist to build the wall out of, say, orange cloth. Permeable yes, but beautiful and a sure tourism booster.
- Frack a fracture: Activity related to natural gas fracking has been shown to cause geological instability. Drill, baby, drill along the border until earthquake activity physically separates Mexico from the U.S. with a gaping chasm not even Evel Knievel on a Harley could successfully cross.
- Flypaper screens: Why has no one suggested this? Low cost and highly effective. Only pole-vaulters could surmount this obstacle.
- The Rapists’ Maginot Line: Man the border with a horde of our own home-grown sex offenders. Who would risk tangling with America’s baddest hombres? If our homegrown rapists balk at their patriotic duty, the entire thousands of miles of border could be just as easily patrolled by Trump’s loyal but prison-bound campaign, government and family associates.
No need to thank me, Supreme Leader. Like The First Emperor and Hadrian before him, President-for-Life Trump deserves his own wall.
Just keep all of us on the other side of it.