E pluribus unum: I’m helping save democracy $1 at a time

One thing you notice pretty quickly once you go from neutral observer to bonafide political warrior is that you’ll get e-mail, tons of it, and all with a common theme: Send money!

Don’t get me wrong, I love helping out and love being on a first-name basis with Democratic stalwarts like Nancy Pelosi and John Lewis (hereafter referred to simply as Nancy and John), but c’mon, guys, I’ve got my own bills to pay!

Shouldn’t I get credit for having written more than 90 anti-Trump posts for The Shinbone Star? No bonus points for culling every last Trump-loving friend or family member from my Facebook feed?

I’ve got to hand it to bigwigs down at the DNC because once they sink their teeth into you they act like a dog on a bone. It doesn’t matter if that bone is already bleached whiter than the skeleton of a dead mule in Death Valley. Retiree on a fixed income? Forget about it! If you’ve still got a dollar to your name, send it in!

It’s true, they’re not necessarily asking for much. Hey, if you can’t send $25, then $1 will do. But they want you to keep sending it all the damned time! Remember that inscription on U.S. currency, “E Pluribus Unum?” It means “Out of Many, One,” but to hear the Democrats spin it, that’s gonna be many, many, many ones for the rest of your natural life.

It’s not that I ever had that much money to begin with. Working in the newspaper business for three decades sure won’t make you rich, but it will teach you a thing or two about deadlines. But I’m here to testify, I’ve never seen an outfit with more deadlines than these Democrats. They’ve got monthly deadlines, quarterly deadlines and special super-duper deadlines. Even their deadlines have deadlines, and by god, every one is critical!

Whether I’m on my phone or on my computer, the e-mail notifications just keep coming.

Ding . . .

Oh, this is for the “special one-term president fund,” and you’re saying that if I don’t pony up right now, Trump might win again in 2020???? Gaaaaa, anything but that! To hell with the heating oil bill, I don’t care if I freeze my ass off, I’m writing a check to the DNC right now!

Sometimes, however, a simple call to duty doesn’t work, so my new DNC friends have adopted other tactics, like fear.

Ding . . .

Holy shit in the foothills! “EARTH-SHATTERING news!”

Please believe me, I’m well aware that Nancy, Deb and Adam already e-mailed me, but I had to eat! But now, only 24 hours are left before the next deadline and someone at headquarters noticed that my excitement about the brand new Democratic majority wasn’t up to snuff. I guess maybe I wasn’t that hungry. I guess I could have sent them $1. I’m so ashamed!

They know when you’ve been sleeping. They know when you’re awake.

Ding . . .

I swear Nancy’s stalking my ass! She’s wants her $1 and by god she’s not taking “no” for an answer. How the hell did she even know that I had deleted her first message before sending another the same day? Shitfire, they’re watching me!

But even guilt won’t work on some people. Sometimes all it takes is a straightforward plea from a true hero of the republic.

Ding . . .

Dang it, John, that just hurts. How can I deny a man like you who has given his blood for the civil rights movement? And all you’re asking for is one measly dollar? OK, man, you win. I’m sending it in right now, but just tell your pals to back off a little, OK? So what if the phone bill is due, I’ll . . .

Ding . . .

Oh crap, here comes Nancy again!

Wait a minute, you’re saying we have to top the GOP’s $44 million war chest and you can’t do it unless I chip in my last dollar? But for chrissakes, I just gave a dollar to John! Can’t I please just write another Shinbone article or maybe piss off another Trumpist relative instead?

Look, I’m not stupid, I know it takes money to run a campaign, but you guys really gotta know when to back off . . .

Ding . . .

Sheeeit! Nancy must have given my e-mail address to Adam!

But holy crap, man, I have been standing up! Haven’t you seen? Don’t you read The Shinbone Star? What more do I have to do??? I know, I know, just send in one more simoleon . . .

Ding . . .

Oh crap, Adam handed off to James, and he’s saying that even after all the money I’ve sent, we’re still SCREWED! And not only that, he’s snarky, pissy and demanding to boot:

Seriously, James, you’re asking did I miss you? Was I concerned you would forget about me?

Well, Earth to James, I sure as hell wish you would forget about me because this much is clear: John, Nancy, Adam, Deb, Beto, Kamala, Barack, Hillary, Alexandria, Kirsten, Elizabeth, Tom, Mikie and a host of others sure as hell won’t forget about me until they have my last thin dime.

Ding . . . 

Final notice??? But I’m already a card-carrying Democrat! Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Nope, not falling for it this time!

Ding! Ding! Ding!

8 thoughts on “E pluribus unum: I’m helping save democracy $1 at a time

  1. One day, I spent about six hours unsubscribing to every single DNC post. This is because back in 2012, I gave $3 to Obama and they’ve been pounding me over the head ever since. If they don’t get my $3 (fixed income, most of it social security) the world will end, probably tomorrow but absolutely by the beginning of next week. A friend of mind pointed out you cn get that much by looking behind the cushions in the office lunchroom sofa.

    So I don’t get those ads anymore. You subscribe to one, you get one from everyone in the DNC running for anything anywhere in the U.S. And each ad is more hysterical than the last. With things this bad, it’s not worth getting out of bed. It’s certainly not worth washing my hair — and anyway, who cares if we can afford heating oil or electricity?

    I’m all for ousting Trump and everyone who supports him. I’m also in favor of personal survival and buying food and trying to keep this old house from crumbling to dust. The hysteria REALLY needs to cease. It’s a serious turn off, even if you are a died in the wool born again Democrat liberal.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. It’s not that I mind helping now and again, but I really believe the frequency of their pleading is out of control and off-putting for a lot of people. I’ve written to them before, not to unsubscribe, but just to point out to them how ridiculous it is. They even have one (I didn’t write about it) that has the header, WE’RE NOT ASKING FOR MONEY, and then they ask you some survey questions, but as soon as you hit SUBMIT, guess what pops up … another plea for money. We all do what we can. I write and have marched and protested, called my representatives about issues. Trump absolutely must go and I’ll continue to support the Democrats in that effort. But campaign finance needs to change in this country because it really is ridiculous. As always, thanks for reading Marilyn!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. PLEASE say that most of this is made up….. please! I thought I’m being harassed but this!
    I even put my phone recorder on with the message that ‘due to far too many cold calls’ I’m only answering the phone to those noted in my address book…. which has deterred about 40% but not the rest – and you can’t do anything against those robots calling random numbers, once it’s not a human person answering the phone, they hang up and dial the next of their trillions of numbers.
    But THIS…. I can’t get over it. Oh Glenn!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Well, of course I KNOW it’s not made up and also, you know (I think), that it was Marilyn’s reposting that made me react…. it could have been a post of hers too!!!!
    Fond greetings

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Kiki for commenting. Yes, all too real, though I put up with it because many sacrifices must be made to combat the Trumpian Menace! Marilyn is wonderful, but I hope you’ll be a regular visitor at The Shinbone Star as well!

      Liked by 1 person

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