President (for Life) Trump’s annual Dictators’ Ball at his Mar-A-Lago estate was, by all permitted accounts, a rollicking success.
The event was a sellout, though the 500 highly coveted $1 million dollar tickets were restricted to “current and former dictators, their spouses, mistresses, cronies, money-launderers and weapons-suppliers, and Fox News hosts and executives.”
As always, diners sampled President Trump’s culinary favorites. Guests selected their own entrée — served in gilded and monogramed Taco Bowls or silver Kentucky Fried Chicken buckets. Evidently the choice was an insuperable one for some. Late in the evening, North Korea’s portly potentate, Kim Jung-un, was spotted leaving the event with three silver vats and as many gold containers.
Guests cut the rug late into the night to the familiar strains of recorded gunfire and carpet bombing. Saudi Arabia’s chic Sheik, the disarming Mohammed Bin Salman, spent much of the evening tripping the light fantastic cheek-to-cheek with Jared Kushner. Zimbambe’s Robert Mugabe tangoed for hours with many a trophy wife and described the musical entertainment as a lovely mix of “shock and awe.”
As always, Latin America was well-represented. After-dinner speaker Raúl Castro regaled dinner guests with one of his late brother Fidel’s seven-hour addresses.
There were many smiles but few surprises in the trophy presentations. The Former Freedom Fighter Award was won by Nicaragua’s Daniel Ortega, who snapped off a fusillade of machine gun fire in celebration.
Brazil’s new leader Jair Bolsonaro won the Dictator of Tomorrow Award, and in lieu of a speech played a selection of his favorite short erotic films, so popular on Brazilian social media.
The big winner among the African contingent were up-and-comers Boko Haram, winners of the Inhumanitarian Award for their innovative and comprehensive teen re-education and social programs.
Charity was, of course, central to the event. The “Silenced Auction” was devoted to raising funds for expanding Guantanamo Prison. The winner of the night’s biggest auction prize, the coveted Oval Office Carte Blanche went to everyone’s favorite oligarch, Oleg Deripaska.
But it was the all-night Oceanside “Media Circus” of Midway festivities that left the leaders most impressed. Philippines President Rodrigo Duterte graciously manned the Shooting Arcade, where guests took potshots at journalists in festive shackles.
Hungarian Prime Minister Viktor Orbán delightedly spent most of the evening (and his country’s foreign reserves) playing “Pin the Tail on the Jew.”
Among the many game show simulations, none was more successful than “Queen for a Day”, though “Family Feud” drew raucous crowds for an epic battle between the surviving Duvaliers and Singapore’s Lee family. Not unexpectedly, Kim Jung-un’s family, five-time winners, were a no-show, given the execution of three of the four planned contestants. We’re not revealing this year’s winner, but let’s just say the many voodoo dolls did their magic. Of all the game-show activities, only the “To Tell the Truth” show failed to draw crowds. But no worries, party-planners informed me, the abundant left-over sodium pentathol will soon find a home.
The champion “Strong Man” in the weight-lifting competition was, to no one’s surprise, Vlad “The Impaler” Putin. The bare-chested Bolshoi boss bested the competition by lifting his own weight in gold bullion (which mysteriously went missing following the contest).
Not all went smoothly, however, in a night of so many festivities. Through an unfortunate spelling error in Trump’s own list of suggested activities, many gorillas were killed by sniper fire on the highly realistic “Congo Incursion.”
Those who stayed to the end witnessed a touching moment of silence, held for this year’s list of Despots: Dead and Departed (blessedly, most of the latter to countries without extradition treaties). The memorial concluded with a heart-rending rendition of “Don’t Cry for me, America,” by First Daughter, Ivanka Trump.
All in all, said America’s own apprentice strong man President Trump, “it was a win-win. We made a lot overcharging on the room rentals, and our honored guests got their impounded funds back.”
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