Attorney General William Barr’s letter summarizing Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s report on Russian interference in the 2016 presidential election has yielded one important truth: Just because it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck doesn’t mean it’s a duck.
No collusion! No obstruction!
Our nation is at a crossroads, and those of us who lustily chanted “In Mueller We Trust” are now being asked to either get on board with Barr’s interpretation of Mueller’s findings or risk being consigned to the ranks of sore losers and sad conspiracy theorists. “Collusion with Russia” could quickly go the way of Elvis Sightings and the Grassy Knoll.
Like pilots lost in a cloud bank, U.S. citizens must now rely on the stabilizing instruments of a Trump-appointed attorney general who says we didn’t see what we thought we saw. Our own senses, it seems, have proven unreliable in knowing which is up and which is down. We just have to trust Bill to level off and hope he hasn’t got us strapped into the cockpit of a 737 Max.
What else can we do in a world where white is black and black is white, where left is right and right is wrong? Trusting the clear-eyed guides that Donald has appointed to rule over us seems our only course. But once you accept the inevitable, it’s really not that hard. Just repeat after me:
- Trump’s inauguration crowd really was the largest in the history of our galaxy. Pictures indicating otherwise were faked.
- That was not Donald’s signature on the payoff check for porn star Stormy Daniels, it was a clever forgery.
- Our president’s penis is long, thick and limber, not the shriveled mushroom evildoers would have you believe.
At a time of Donald’s choosing we must support a presidential pardon for Paul Manafort. Charges against Roger Stone and Michael Flynn should be dropped. Present a Presidential Medal of Freedom to George “Coffee Boy” Papadoupolos. All their pain could have been avoided if only we’d listened when Donald assured us there were no Russia ties.
Pluck out your eyes and cut off your ears if you must, but believe Bill and believe Donald! Congress has no need to see the full Mueller report. Give it to Republicans for safekeeping or let Bill Barr sweep it under his rug.
And while Bill is tidying up, he should wield his broom around the offices of the Southern District of New York where prosecutors — probably Democrats — are weighing all those other unsavory bits like money laundering, tax evasion and insurance fraud. It’s clear now that those charges were ginned up by people who despise Jesus and hate America, and they did it just to keep Donald from his God-appointed mission.
As one Trumper told me the other day, an investigation of Russian ties to the Trump campaign was never warranted and only came about because “gullible people” believed their own eyes and ears instead of the words of Our President. He then asked me if I was gullible, too. Yes, I suppose I was.
But not anymore, because Bill Barr has opened my eyes. He has provided our country with an attitude adjustment and it’s time to get on board or risk being left behind.
So grab your pitchforks and light your torches as we mount a comprehensive search for the true birthplace of President Blackenstein. And while we’re at it, what about her e-mails?
No collusion! No obstruction! Believe Bill Barr! Believe Donald Trump!
Fan the embers of Benghazi and Lock Her Up!