Our Young and Beautiful couple have been keeping a low profile during the attempted coup against Ivy’s royal father. In fact, no one has seen them in the Swamp for weeks. Today we finally catch up with them. The setting: A triple-wide mobile home in an undisclosed location somewhere in solid-red Flyover Country. Ivy is seated at a built-in shelf that also serves as a dinner table, working on a laptop. She appears to be making a list and checking it twice. A flushing toilet is heard, and a moment later, her spouse Jerry joins her in the all-purpose area.
Jerry: Why so pensive, my prairie princess? Do you miss the Swamp with all its intrigues and fake news?
Ivy: I do miss my stylish wardrobe and my antique French Provincial desk. And my lovely Loubontins! Although I have to admit these sweats and Skechers are pretty comfy.
Jerry: I thought perhaps you were missing your father and brothers.
Ivy: I do miss Daddy. Tweedledum and Tweedledee, not so much. I see the failing New York Times put Tweedledum’s book at the top of its best-seller list, and I’d just as soon not hear him gloat about it.
Jerry: So what are you working on there? A book of your own? An anonymously written op-ed defending your royal father?
Ivy: No, this is our Christmas list. There’s so much to do this time of year!
Jerry: Christmas list! But we’re Je- . . .
Ivy: Jesus-loving NASCAR fans who worship my royal father! We have to celebrate Christmas so we don’t blow our cover. Remember, our names are Jack and Irene Karlson, and we’re from Kansas. I homeschool the kids, and we don’t believe in credit cards because we only trust good old American cash.
Now get in that shiny red Ford pickup that the RNC gave us when they put us in witness protection and head to Walmart. We need the biggest fake tree they have, plus ornaments. And don’t forget to pick up one of those big inflatable Santas for the front lawn. Maybe the one that has Santa sitting in an outhouse.
Jerry: I’m on it, but aren’t they going to get suspicious if I pay for all that with a wad of cash?
Ivy: If anyone asks, you’re a meth dealer. Now go. I have to stay here and pretend to homeschool. I do hope we can return home to the Swamp someday, after my royal father has vanquished Lady Nancy and Sir Adam and restored the kingdom to chaos again.
Jerry: By the way, what happened to the Louboutins? Are they all in storage?
Ivy: Well, not all. I brought one pair with us to remind me of better days. Maybe I’ll model them for you later, depending on whether you’re naughty or nice.
Jerry: That would be nice. Or naughty.
And so we leave as Jerry starts up the Ford pickup and heads to Walmart in search of the true meaning of Christmas. Will they ever return to the Swamp? Will Ivy’s father survive the coup attempt, or will the enigmatic Lord Pence emerge from the shadows to take over? Stay tuned for future updates of The Young and the Beautiful.