The Best Joke of 2020

And speaking of bad jokes, Moscow Mitch McConnell is the man with the plan for Senate Republicans.

In the Southern District of New York yesterday, a frightened man from Ukraine went to the U.S. Attorney and said, “My talking parrot disappeared.”

“Why did you come here?” the Southern District AG demanded to know. “Go to the regular police.”

“I will. I’m just here to tell you that I disagree with whatever that parrot is going to say.”

By now, everyone not trapped under a rock knows the parrot introduction is merely a segue to parroting about Trump’s impeachment trial. Sadly, all the other intros have been used up.

On Tuesday, Donald Trump’s paid mouthpieces began officially lying for him. Their job is to be the president’s talking  parrots, and they’ve been learning some big new words ever since Trump bought and paid for them. One of them reportedly even speaks Ukrainian.

Even so, it is important to remember that everything said and done before Tuesday was just balderdash, as in the parrot occupying the Office of the Attorney General who dismissed all talk of plots as “bunkum and balderdash.”

The moving lips of Trump’s consiglieri signaled the real beginning of the third presidential impeachment trial in U.S. history is finally under way. It is probably a relief for everyone involved except for Trump himself and the Republican Party donors who are getting stuck with his legal bills.

Just recently, one of his lawyers was working late in the White House shredding documents called into evidence by Trump’s prosecution when in walks Satan himself. The man had been shredding the incriminating documents all day and was exhausted. Worse, he’d just learned that Senate Majority Leader Moscow Mitch McConnell was signaling that he could be working nights and weekends until Trump finally gets his foregone get-out-of-jail-free card.

“I have an offer,” said Satan. “If you give me your soul and the soul of everyone in your family, I’ll make sure Trump is exonerated and you will become a full partner in your law firm. And furthermore, you will get to go on Fox News whenever you want until you eventually replace William Barr as U.S. Attorney General. Then you will be able to say and do whatever you want.”

The lawyer stared  icily at the devil for a full minute before demanding, “So what’s the catch?”

The devil’s timing is understandable given that Trump’s legion of critics are saying his poll numbers are sinking faster than the Titanic.

Republicans are praying the Democrats will screw things up so badly that Trump will walk away laughing. But if they don’t, he will probably just claim martyrdom.

Americans loves victims. We are still commiserating about victims that have been dead so long their graves are used for movie plots.

Without anything important to do while his parrots and their ultra-rich cronies buy his exoneration, Trump will probably keep busy tweeting. He has plenty of people to cast aspersions upon, including the “lying Democrats,” libtards, State Department officials, generals, ordinary white, black and brown people, lying psychiatrists, and unidentified Deep State traitors, all trying to destroy his presidency. And if that’s not enough, there are still some Democratic Socialists hiding in the woodpile.

Speaking of which, “What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?” Trump was recently asked by a supporter at a Florida MAGA rally.

“Great question. I’m the greatest capitalist that ever lived so I’ll tell you. In a capitalist society, man exploits man. In a socialist one, it’s the other way around. I’m the only president willing to do both. MAGA!”

Speaking of bad jokes, what about Devin Nunes, the California Republican who once was a prime target for the jests of influential Trump apologist and yes man Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-S.C.). There’s been a lot of talk lately that Nunes is on the run.

That rumor started three years ago when the House Intelligence Committee Chairman set about leading his committee’s investigation into Russian interference in the 2016 election. He disingenuously claimed he had single-handedly uncovered evidence showing the Democrats had spied on Trump’s post-election transition team.

He is “off track,” Graham immediately claimed, which happened before he saw the light and invited Trump into his heart. But back then, Graham compared Nunes’ performance to irascible Inspector Clouseau of  “Pink Panther” fame.

Graham said Nunes “owes” the Intelligence Committee the opportunity to review his claim that Trump’s post-election transition team had been inadvertently surveilled following the election.

“The problem that he’s [Nunes] created is he’s gone off on a lark by himself, sort of an Inspector Clouseau investigation here,” Graham said in late March 2017. “The only way this thing can be repaired is he tells his colleagues on the House Intel committee who he met with and what he saw and let them look at the same information.”

He never did. For that alone he should have been censured and stripped of his committee chair.

“So what is so funny about that?” you might ask, already knowing what they say about cliffhangers.

It was sort of like Lindsey Graham asking Kermit the Frog what he said at Jim Henson’s funeral. Kermit didn’t answer.

It really never mattered what Nunes does. His 22nd Congressional District has a 43-33 Republican registration advantage. In eight general elections he has never won less than 60 percent of the vote. Trump won his San Jacinto Valley district by a healthy 9.5 percent in his first try.

The point is that sleazy politicians like Nunes and Graham poured the foundation for the growing farce that pessimists are already claiming will be the third and final impeachment of a president in the United States of America. Even lame jokes eventually get old.

Comedian John Mulaney disagrees. He says Trump being impeached is like encountering a horse in a hospital.

“I think eventually everything’s gonna be okay, but I have no idea what happens next. There’s a horse loose in the hospital! It’s never happened before! No one knows what the horse is gonna do next, least of all the horse! He’s never been in a hospital before, he’s as confused as you are.”

So stay tuned. Without a shred of evidence to back up this prognostication, I am predicting the impeachment of Donald Trump will be a three-ring circus, the likes of which have not been seen since the bright lights over Barnum & Bailey’s circus went out.

Personally, I don’t approve of political jokes, especially about impeachment, I’ve seen too many of those jokes get elected. Take Trump for instance. He is proof that in politics, absurdity is not a handicap.

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