How to attend a Trump rally

Being a good, patriotic American, I was excited when I learned that our own President Trump will be holding one of his rallies in my home state of New Jersey. So of course I jumped at the chance to register online for a free ticket for the rally, which takes place tonight in the beach town of Wildwood.

The local media are reporting that people started camping out on Sunday for a chance to get one of the coveted 7,400 seats inside the Wildwoods Convention Center.

On Monday evening at 6:01 p.m.,  25 hours before the rally is to start, the following e-mail from “Team Trump-Pence” popped up in my mailbox:

Hello,

We are excited for you to join us at our Keep America Great Rally with President Trump in Wildwood, NJ on Tuesday, January 28, 2020. Please carefully review the following details and entrance instructions to ensure smooth entry into the event:

Doors to the Wildwoods Convention Center will open at 3:00pm. Early arrival is strongly recommended. There is no guaranteed admittance for late arrivals.

Venue Address:
Wildwoods Convention Center
4501 Boardwalk
Wildwood, NJ 08260

Below is a map of parking and entry locations. Signage and volunteers will be posted around the venue to direct you. There is (cq) no reserved parking spaces at this event.

All guests attending the event will be screened by United States Secret Service. A prohibited items list is below for you to review before you arrive. Food and drinks will be available for purchase, and restrooms will be available at the venue. The suggested attire is casual.
We look forward to a successful event and appreciate your continued support as we work to Keep America Great!

Sincerely,
Team Trump-Pence

PROHIBITED ITEMS LIST

• Aerosols
• Alcoholic beverages
• Backpacks, bags, roller bags, suitcases bags exceeding size restrictions (12”x14”x5”)
• Balloons
• Balls
• Banners, signs, placards
• Chairs
• Coolers
• Drones and other unmanned aircraft systems
• Electronic Cigarettes
• Explosives of any kind (including fireworks)
• Glass, thermal and metal containers
• Laser lights and laser pointers
• Mace and/or pepper spray
• Noisemakers, such as air horns, whistles, drums, bullhorns, etc.
• Packages
• Poles, sticks and selfie sticks
• Spray containers
• Structures
• Supports for signs/placards
• Tripods
• Umbrellas
• Appliances i.e. toasters
• And any other items that may pose a threat to the security of the event as determined by and at the discretion of the security screeners.

A few observations:

  • I don’t see firearms on the prohibited list, although I have to assume the Secret Service will confiscate any that they might find.
  • Since rally-goers are not allowed to bring signs, I have to assume the campaign will be passing out their own signs, with the words spelled correctly.
  • No alcohol? I’m definitely not going. No way could I get through a Trump speech sober.
  • Why no balloons? Are they afraid Trump will get so distracted that he’ll forget what he was trying to say?
  • Restrooms will be available at the venue, but not everyone can get into the venue. What are the others supposed to do? Hold it till they get home? With a predicted wind chill in the mid- to high 20s, that’s going to be a problem.
  • The fact that they specify “toasters” under “no appliances” makes me think that someone must have brought a toaster to a Trump rally. I’d like to know who and why. And did they bring bread, and what kind?
  • Balls are prohibited. That explains the behavior of the Republicans in the Senate.

10 thoughts on “How to attend a Trump rally

  1. By the way, the campaign sent out another email last night correcting the grammatical error regarding the parking spaces. They sent another email out today assuring me that President Trump is looking forward to seeing me tonight.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. No balloons because if one popped Trump, fearing it was gun a shot, would “soil” himself and require a new diaper. The secret service hates changing his diaper at rallies.

    Liked by 4 people

  3. This must mean that truly committed trumpies are willing to be gelded before attending ths rally. Has dumbo promised (falsely as usual) to pay for the many surgeries this will entail – or has a toady in the DoJ written a memo saying that the Clinton Foundation will pay to ensure the diminution of idiots in the next generation? Inquiring minds want to know.

    Liked by 2 people

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