Maybe you’re tired of President Donald J. Trump’s long-winded coronavirus briefings, in which he contradicts the experts, insults the press and brags as usual about his own wonderfulness. But you keep watching because you’re afraid he’ll say something important (spoiler alert: he won’t) and you’ll miss it.
So here, as a public service, I present the All-Purpose Generic Trump Briefing. Read this, and you’ll never worry about missing another one.
“OK, we’re going to start by taking some questions. But no nasty questions. I’m not calling on any female reporters today because they are nasty to me. You have to be nice.
“Mike, is it? Mike wants to know if I’ve seen the newest models. I used to f- models, you know. All sorts of models.
“What do you mean, I can’t say f- on TV? I just did. I’m the president and I can say what I want. What liberal politically correct Democratic snowflake made up that rule? The FCC? I can take care of that. FCC, you’re fired!
“Now, getting back to Mike’s question, as you can imagine, I’ve been too busy presidenting lately to keep up with the Kardashians or any other models. See, I made a joke. Why aren’t you all laughing? I’m sure the newest models are very nice girls, and some of them are hot. You have to be at least an 8 to be a good model.
“Oh, you meant the computer models forecasting the spread of the coronavirus, or as I call it, the Chinese Yellow Peril Flu. I’m sure Dr. Fauci could address that question, but I won’t let him. He’s in timeout for speaking out of turn last week and saying that aspirin won’t cure coronavirus. How does he know if he hasn’t tested it?
“Next question! Jim just asked — and I hope you all heard his question — he asked me ‘How do you sleep?’
“That’s a nice question. You’re concerned that with all this presidenting, I’m not getting enough rest.
“I sleep great, thanks to MyPillow! My buddy Mike Lindell invented MyPillow, and they’re manufactured right here in the USA. No Chinese pillows for me! That’s MyPillow, and you can get them online wherever pillows are sold.
“Last question! What’s that? How do I feel about having so much blood on my hands? You should wash your hands a lot, for at least 20 seconds. That’s what I do.
“That’s it for this time. I want to wish all the real Christian Americans a Happy Easter, and remember, if the Easter Bunny sees his shadow, we get two more weeks of quarantine.”