Put on a mask or starve, I don’t care!

Why would a trip for a gallon of milk and some stew beef have me humming an old Hank Williams Jr. tune?

I live back in the woods you see
My woman and the kids and the dogs and me
I got a shotgun, a rifle and a four-wheel drive
And a country boy can survive
Country folks can survive

Follow my tortured thinking on this:

The election map showed me there were a damn sight too many “country boys” who voted for Donald J. Trump back in 2016. Now, here we are in 2020, and those same “country boys” are refusing to wear protective face coverings — in the midst of a raging pandemic — because they want to show solidarity with their moronic führer.


I’m sure there are one or two Democrats who also refuse to wear a mask, just like I’m sure there must be a few aging Trumpers  who actually read and believed enough FAKE NEWS to understand that COVID-19 could kill them. Yeah, red-hatted MAGA rebels, who knew? But just like the rest of their Republican tribe, the masked variety doesn’t care about you and me, but saving their own bacon just might have a few of them moderately concerned.

But make no mistake, they’re still Trumpers.

Because you can’t starve us out and you can’t make us run
‘Cause we’re them old boys raised on shotguns
We say grace, and we say ma’am
If you ain’t into that, we don’t give a damn

Since the lyrics are undoubtedly true, it gave me an idea that I decided to share with the major grocery store managers of America, an industry that is nominally charged with supplying safe food for its customers in a safe environment.

Here’s my plan, step by step:

  1. First, hire a bunch of armed rent-a-cops for each of your grocery stores. Word of advice, you’re gonna need ’em.
  2. Establish a policy that ALL employees and ALL customers MUST wear a mask while inside your store.
  3. Turn away anybody who refuses to follow the rule, at gunpoint if necessary. Let ’em starve, I don’t care.

But here’s the thing, nobody is going to starve, because . . .

We came from the West Virginia coal mines
And the Rocky Mountains and western skies
And we can skin a buck, we can run a trotline
And a country boy can survive
Country folks can survive

Survive? Me? Maybe not so much. I’m a Democrat and a snowflake. No guns here, not even any fishin’ equipment.

But I do have a Cuisinart.

What that means is that the food I need to survive must be purchased at a grocery store, a place that has become decidedly unsafe for anyone wishing to avoid infection at the hands of snot-schlepping Trumpers.

But if country boy Trumpers can get their food by shooting it with their AK-47s or by hauling it out of secret fishin’ holes back in them woods, why do they even need to be infecting my grocery store with their unmasked presence?

Wait a minute, Mr. Kroger, you mean I have to risk my life just so a bunch of country boy galoots can buy a 24-pack of Coca-Cola and a party-size bag of Funyuns to go along with their muskrat stew?

Yeah, I know, it’s a stupid song and maybe my grocery store idea is just as stupid.

While I’m sure most Trumpers really do have the legendary pioneering skills that Hank Jr. sang about, there must be one or two Republicans who, like me, don’t know how to skin a buck. Is it really too much to ask, then, that they be forced to wear a mask while satisfying their sudden craving for a box of frozen White Castle sliders?

I don’t think it’s too much, and since they’ll never put on a mask of their own accord, grocery stores everywhere need to protect their employees and ALL their customers by making masks a requirement, not an option.

And if people refuse? Let ’em run a trotline.

I urge you to write or call the manager of your grocery store today. Insist that masks become mandatory for everyone inside the store.

Do it before before some deranged Trumper sees one of us wearing a mask and decides . . .

I’d love to spit some Beech-Nut in that dude’s eye
And Shoot him with my old .45
‘Cause a country boy can survive
Country folks can survive

3 thoughts on “Put on a mask or starve, I don’t care!

  1. Glenn,
    I was born in West Virginia and spent 20 years mining out west and I am a progressive Democrat. Nothing wrong with calling out idiots but there are a lot of rich white folks supporting the buffoon-in-chief with big bucks. Calling all white country boys Trump fascist is no different then calling Black single moms welfare queens. Need to educate, not denigrate. I will admit that most of the good old boys that I worked with are Trump chumps, but not all.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Basically, Bob, I’m just tired of people putting MY life at risk because through ignorance or complacency. I don’t care if it’s having to dodge them at the grocery store or various tradesmen who come to my house to quote prices for work I need done while potentially spewing COVID-19 at me. I believe in science. I believe in what the doctors are saying. And I don’t appreciate people who are out to kill me because they’re either stupid or because they’re trying to make a political statement by showing how macho they can be by facing down a deadly virus by risking their lives and mine.


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