As I sit pondering just how low I can go with news that the Marmalade Messiah and a goodly number of his retinue have tested positive for coronavirus, the internet is rife with rumor that the whole thing could be another Trump Trick, a Republican Hoax, an Escape Plan.
And that’s it, my friends, a microcosm of what it is to be an American, teetering between optimism that the president could die and dread that he might not.
How low can I go? Pretty damned low as it turns out, but at least I’m being honest. I won’t be sending “thoughts and prayers” to a guy I’ve been hammering steadily for the past three years and change. Accuse me of mean-spirited assholery and I’ll raise my hand, but a charge of hypocrisy won’t stick.
Other staff members at The Shinbone Star will testify that just last night I was bemoaning the fact that Trump has his finger in every pie, that he has devised a plan to thwart every voting method patriotic Americans will use to try and get rid of him. He’s hoping to throw the election into turmoil and force the decision to a Supreme Court he’s already packed with fascists and a Stepford Wife, a court that will surely rule in his favor no matter how the challenge is framed.
Could this be one more trick?
But oh, what a great way to wake up today! Yes, I was giddy at first, but with each sip of morning coffee a degree of sobriety returns.
What if the sonofabitch doesn’t die?
After all, just because Republicans are working hard to take away your health care doesn’t mean they don’t have access to the finest doctors money can buy with your tax dollars. Already a medical team was reportedly hard at work on Donnie in Melania’s denuded Rose Garden, which conveniently was in need of some fertilizer:
Republican doctors administer a bleach enema to the president’s yuuuuge, coronavirus-infected ass.
So what happens if the bleach, ultraviolet lights inside the body and hydroxychloroquine do their job and the president is pronounced COVID-free by Nov. 3? Will he get a sympathy vote from Americans who proclaim him a national hero for surviving the Democratic Hoax? Will they forget that he continued his super-spreader rallies despite reportedly not feeling so hot? Such an honor to have been infected by the Führer!
Or is Trump not infected at all? Could the whole thing be an elaborately concocted scam to dodge the next two scheduled presidential debates?
Hell’s bells, if I can stoop low enough to write this swill, just imagine how much lower Donald Trump can stoop!
But okay, let’s assume it’s true that Trump has COVID. After all, there are doctor reports and everything . . .
What if Donny ends up strapped to a ventilator, maybe one of those Russian models sent to us by Vlad that reportedly explode and catch fire while the patient is gasping for life? Would Mikey Boy Pence assume the mantle of Republican nominee?
Holy shit, uncharted waters, Skipper!
Before the election — or maybe even during the Twilight Zone period between Nov. 3 and Jan. 20 — would acting-President Pence then pardon Trump of all the hypothetical federal crimes he hasn’t committed?
Assuming Trump survives this harrowing encounter with the Democratic Hoax, will he then secretly skip town to a friendly country (Russia) with no extradition treaty? After all, those charges threatened by the State of New York and Borough of Manhattan aren’t federal and could prove problematic.
These are all questions no one can answer, but here’s one we can: Right now, millions of mask-less Americans who blithely ignored coronavirus on the president’s say-so are bending the knee and clasping hands to pray for a guy who, because of his hubris, is responsible for thousands of American deaths, a man who throws brown children into cages, tear-gasses peaceful protesters, refuses to condemn white supremacy and has turned our democracy into an autocracy. What can we say about them?
My answer: Fuck you to death, you hell-bound hypocrites!