Will Republicans Pols Turn To Breathing Through Their Rectums To Stay Alive?

Anally delivered oxygen may be the saving solution to the Republican Party’s burgeoning woes. Scientists who study such things say it is certainly possible. The revelation appeared in the medical journal Med last Friday. The report was penned by Japanese scientists who injected oxygen-saturated liquids into the anuses of mice and pigs in desperate need of oxygen to stay alive. Until now, common wisdom suggested that the disabused orifice is particularly well suited for conservative politicians to produce a secondary source of fresh manure when their mouths finally succumb to exhaustion.

Apparently, the report is real science, the New York Times says. The Japanese scientists studying the phenomena discovered that when some mice or pigs are dangerously deprived of air, an enema of oxygen-carrying liquid can rescue them. The scientists doing the research claim the “unusual method of delivering oxygen in mammals hope to one day try it in people.” The Republican caucus in the U.S. Congress seems like a perfect place to start.

So far no one is reporting that Big Pharma is directing any recruiting bulletins toward their many Republican friends in Congress who could benefit from the procedure without interfering with their production of hot air. It is a paragon of plausible deniability as well. If the desperate GOP radicals discover any political advantage in the innovative procedure hey almost certainly be the first to turn to it . If that happens Republicans everywhere will soon be bending over.

The reason is obvious. Despite their pretentions that all is well in the Grand Old Party, it is obvious that the dangerously divided Republicans are in desperate need of oxygen to keep their fracturing party together. If a butt of scientific jokes is the thing to save them, endangered conservatives will lower their knickers faster than the drop of a hat for a chance of relief.

Florida Republican Congressman Matt Gaetz is a case in point. The scandal engulfing the headmaster of jaundiced speaking and one of Donald Trump’s most abrasive supporters in Congress was dropped in hot grease last week by a former Florida tax collector and self-admitted pimp trying to save his own ass. In an Orlando federal court on Monday, the former political climber and Gaetz lackey, pleaded guilty to sex trafficking a minor, creating a fake ID, identity theft, stalking, wire fraud and conspiracy to bribe a public official to dummy up about his knowledge of any alleged sexual relationships with the 17-year-old girl. What those alleged participants may now say is even more dangerous to Gaetz because the point of prosecuting the twisted tax man was to get at Gaetz before he somehow weasels his way out of intense FBI scrutiny.

Matt Gaetz bloviating during House hearing.

Getting a bowel full of clean liquid oxygen could signal a new start for the big-mouth preppy who never grew up. So might scraping his bowel to make it thinner before the oxygen is applied, researchers said. Dr. Takanori Takebe of the Tokyo Medical and Dental University and the Cincinnati Children’s Hospital discovered the liquid oxygen enema definitely helped mice survive longer but it worked best when researchers scraped the little rats’ intestinal walls to thin them, a procedure Dr. Takebe said human rats might find disagreeable.

Gaetz is not the only Republican who could use a belt of pure oxygen. Sen. Josh Hawley (R-Mo.), the junior Missouri senator who raised his fist in support of Hall of Congress infiltrators last Jan. 6 while simultaneously showing his ass to America is one. Ever since then the privileged Ivy League elitist has been trying to pull his pants back up by explaining how sedition is A-Okay for the right kind of people. It might be better for him to leave them down so anal ergonomists can ensure their equipment was a good fit for his sorry ass.

No mix of candidates would be complete without including brilliant GED-trained Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-Ga), the far-right conspiracy theorist serving as the representative for Georgia’s 14th congressional district. The intellectually challenged Georgian supports far-right conspiracy theories like disabused Pizzagate and QAnon. The colorful moron filed articles of impeachment against Biden the day after his inauguration, alleging abuse of power.

Marjorie Taylor Greene

The House of Representatives voted to remove Greene from all committee roles in response to her rancid mouth overwhelming her intellectual capacity after she made violent statements during her run-up campaign for office. Shoving a big bag of oxygenated fresh air up her back passage would probably raise her state of consciousness from a permanent state of dull affect to awareness that she is an elected official representing America and not some dimwitted baboon.

Biden explained it best when he urged Americans to believe in science. Dr. Takebe’s work is the essence of science; finding unique solutions for unique problems. The GOP’s intention to commit hara-kari on national TV would be thwarted. They would have to answer for their sins. Takebe’s discoveries might even be the breakthrough solution the Republican Party desperately needs to become a political party worthy in deed rather than name, as unlikely as that seems.

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