Bottom of the Barrel

Trigger warning: This image from Cracker Barrel’s Facebook page may cause impotence, anxiety, and unfocused rage.

Is the Cracker Barrel menu getting ‘woke’? Meat eaters rage on Facebook over addition of Impossible sausage — USA Today.com headline, Aug. 4, 2022

“Madge! MADGE! Come over here and tell me I ain’t seeing what I’m seeing on the Cracker Barrel Old Country Store Facebook page.

“No, not the Stuffed Cheese Pancakes. This — THIS. They’re trying to take away good old American pork sausage and replace it with this vegan crap. First our Confederate flags, then the statue of General Lee, and now this? What next, my MAGA cap? My Don’t Tread on Me flag? My F your feelings bumper sticker?

“Impossible  sausage? I’ll tell you what’s impossible. It’s impossible that I’m ever eating fake meat from a Peach Tree Dish!

“What do you mean, it looks pretty good? And you say I can still get the pork if I want it? Damn right I will. This is America!

“You know who doesn’t eat pork, don’t you? Feldstein the lawyer, and Fatima, the new pharmacist at Walmart.

 “I got nothing against them. Feldstein got me my disability payments, and Fatima is a real nice gal. And at least she only covers her hair and doesn’t wear one of those terrorist ninja things that cover her face. OK, they are nice folk, both of them, but I’m not sure I want to see them at Cracker Barrel on a Friday night!

“You say it wouldn’t hurt me to cut down on the cholesterol? Don’t worry about me, Madge, The house is paid for and you won’t be out on the street if I kick the bucket. I’m going to eat what I like.

“You think you might try it? Madge, you don’t need to watch your weight. I keep telling you, I like a little something to hold onto. You start eating that stuff, next thing you know, you’ll be eating tofu and doing yoga!

“You know who else don’t eat fake meat? Trump! Now that’s a real man. Puts ketchup on his steaks just like plain folks!

“Listen, Madge, this is just the beginning. Next thing you know, they’ll have unisex bathrooms. Girly men. Manly women. I don’t want to take a leak next to some guy who insists on being called Caroline when his mama named him Charlie.

“You say looking at this page is making you hungry? I was going to boycott the Barrel, but I do crave their Chicken ‘n’ Dumplins, as long as you eat the broccoli. Don’t know why they insist on putting that stuff on a perfectly good plate of food.

“All right, Madge, we’ll go there tonight. But no Impossible Meat, okay? Sometimes a man just has to take a stand.

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